Dysphoria's Reflection

I grab a shirt from the closet

Inspecting the

Black and blue plaid in my hands…

Looking for something,

But I’m really not sure what.

Tossing the shirt aside to

Join the crumpled pile

In the corner of the room

I keep grabbing things from the closet;

A white dress shirt with

Bowties and bowler hats.

A blue crushed velvet cocktail dress

Decorated with black lace.

More plaid.

But none of them feel like

What I’m looking for.

Then I grab the next article

From the closet and inspect it,

This time it’s a

Shamrock green dress

Sleeveless,

Floor length,

With a slit down the front

To pull it into a tail skirt.

I lay it onto the bed

Considering my options.

Liking the idea that I’ve got

Bouncing around.

Digging around in the closet

I come up with a vest,

Black dress shirt,

Some black skinny jeans

With a really cute pair

Of Sneaker Wedges.

Content with my finds I

Lay them out on the chair

And crawl into to bed.

The next day

It’s bright and sunny out,

The sunrise finds me soaking

In a hot shower,

Preparing for a day wandering downtown.

Towel dry

And clean shaven,

I piece together my outfit

From the night before

Ensuring that each layer

Fits perfectly with the others.

Add a little makeup.

Some bracelets and rings,

And I pose for the mirror on the

Bathroom door

Taking in the work I’ve done.

And standing before me?

Is a sight I can barely stand

To observe.

Anger,

Revulsion,

Confusion,

Conflict,

Roils within me

Painting themselves on the mirror…

I move to tear the mirror

From the hooks in the door

But catch myself just as

I’m reaching out to curl my fingers

Around the edge of the frame.

Frozen for a moment before the mirror

I see the fractured reflection before me;

Tears have already begun to fall,

Making the eyeliner run

Inky black trails down my cheeks.

I can’t see her in the depths

Of the Blue/Green eyes

Staring back at me.

No echo of her reverberates

In the hiccupping sobs

Escaping from my chest.

Just like that… She’s vanished

Leaving me here

To piece it all together again.

All at once my limbs give up

And I crumble to the floor

Laying in a heap for what

Feels like hours…

Long after my butt went numb

And my lungs screamed

From the heaving sobs

I pick myself up off the floor,

Straighten the wrinkled fabric,

And hang the outfit back up in the closet.

Standing before the bathroom mirror

Staring myself in the face

I gently wipe the smeared makeup away;

Avoiding looking down at my naked body.

I grab some torn up grey shorts,

A black, red, and grey plaid button up,

Low cut socks,

And high-top chucks

From the dresser

And put them on half-heartedly.

Staring into the mirror again

I shrug at the disheveled man

That looks back at me.

I grab my backpack and keys

And quickly leave the apartment

Hoping to find myself somewhere,

Anywhere

That might help me

Feel a little less lost…