Divided Heart: Death & Birth

My angel babies with feathered wings and halo crowns.

I sense you are always with me, hiding in whispers - bouncing through sounds.

A history of infertility, get me pregnant - my baby will stick,

Now a statistic, each pregnancy a risk.

My son, your heartbeat was strong - your profile all boy,

Development was textbook, no uneasiness, blinded by joy.

Our life filled with SOO much pink - glitter and gowns,

We couldn't wait for baseballs and bruises, blue and browns.

November 5, an eerie warm day,

The heavens heated the earth when they arrived to take you away.

No breeze nor noise, mommy knew,

Your heart was no longer beating - to heaven, you flew.

No answer, no reason, no explanation why,

Told: "Look for a rainbow the next time you try."

A few months had passed, our grief felt in vain,

Then, not one but two rainbows appeared behind dark clouds and rain.

A peace offering he proposed, believe in your faith,

Your son is with me now, but I am giving you two daughters in his place.

Twin girls, holy shit, how can this be,

Both with strong heartbeats, Baby A and Baby B.

Our excitement was short-lived - one was sick,

Deja Vu - this is unfair - the devil has to be playing a trick.

So much prayer, anxiety, to hear "we are sorry to say,"

Your little Arya Rose is not compatible with life - she will shortly decay.

Beautiful and perfect - they have to be wrong,

Mila Marie was healthy and thriving - for her, I had to be strong.

Terminate Arya now and secure Mila's growth,

Or allow nature to take its course but potentially lose them both.

So many forced choices, no parents should ever have to make,

How do you choose between your two children - what if I make a mistake?

A mother to both, I will not - I CAN NOT choose - caused to leave fate in gods hands,

On my knees in a chapel, PLEASE show me a sign - your plans.

Meet your daughter alive today, 

but watch her slip away.

Or, allow her to gain her wings inside, 

Saving her sister's life by giving her more time.

I couldn't lose Mila - I would not survive,

Peacefully allowing Arya to pass so Mila could thrive.

3 lbs, 13 ounces, little Mila Marie - Ms. Mila P,

Signs from my babies in heaven as God's number is three.

Mommy loves you two so much - my angel crew,

Kash, look out for your little sister - stick together, you two!

My two children in heaven, and three down here on earth,

My heart is divided by death and by birth.