Dissociative Identity Disorder

Having Dissociative Identity Disorder is one of the hardest things.

Life feels chaotic all the time.

There are always tons of voices talking to you in your head.

Telling you what to do.

Telling you what they want and don’t want.

Never able to hear your own voice and what you want.

It’s like being run over by a bunch of little kids in trauma reactions.

For me at least.

All systems are different.

But this is what it’s like for me.

I’m a grown woman.

An adult.

I live on my own, pay my bills, etc.

But in my head all I hear are a bunch of traumatized little kids.

Oh how I so love them.

And I’m so sad about the agony they experienced.

But as a grown woman I do not want to be overrun by traumatized kids.

I want to be able to make my own decisions.

Ones that aren’t rooted in trauma and abuse.

But that’s not realistic for me right now.

My alters went through the abuse for me so I didn’t have to experience it.

I will be forever grateful for that.

But I am drowning in their pain and agony about it.

They hold all the memories but I feel their terror and fear.

They think that the abuse will happen again at any moment.

They think that abuse equals death.

They feel like they will die at any moment.

This is what it’s like to have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

Living in constant panic and fear.

I have 60 alters.

That’s 60 other people who share my brain and my body.

It sounds crazy doesn’t it?

But it’s not.

All these people broke off from my core when the abuse happened.

So they are all a part of me.

They just separated from me.

I don’t know if that makes sense to you.

I so want others to understand.

I might have to write more about it for that to happen.

But please don’t think I’m crazy.

I’m a regular human just like you.

We all are.

Having Dissociative Identity Disorder saved my life.

And there is nothing crazy about that.

❤️

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