Wanderer lost not because she wanted to be but because love had evaded her
Silent heart without movement she lay stuck between her own thoughts
Drawers that are both crooked and unable to stay firmly shut
Having done things she never thought she'd ever do for love
Forgiven stories she never thought she'd forgive
Touching a body she thought she'd never want to lay fingerprints on again
Feeling at home next to someone she thought she no longer knew
It's as if she was only happy if she forgot the past the past of his lips and hers
Searching for attention like a vulture seeks its prey
Soaring above the dessert waiting for something to be exhausted
Then making a move easily and swiftly
As if no one else saw
As if it was our little secret
Sometimes love may not be enough
Craving the bodies from others
Doesn’t feel like real love
Doesn’t feel like two peoples' souls intertwined both against the world kind of love
She does not share what she loves
It is either all hers or not at all
If he doesn’t want all of her and only her then is that true love or just a window in time
A window that leads to next chapter to the end of the story
One that leads to the only person you’ll ever want for the rest of your days
One that brings unreal comfort and belonging
If he doesn’t want her whole then is it worth it
After repeated heart shattering is it fair for her to no longer care for him like she once did
She never forgets her brain like a sponge that remembers every word every action
Yet she is forced to try to erase her memories just to continue “loving” him
Otherwise she is haunted with the idea that she and him are a waste of energy waste of glue
Constantly repairing repairing to be able to function
Unfinished business like a boomerang that keeps coming right back around
Purely defining insanity
Repeating repeating expecting a different result a different ending
Instead just dancing in circles like she did as a child
Spinning and spinning until she could no longer spin
Loving until she could no longer love
Breathing until she could no longer breathe
Destructive love
About the Creator
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Spiralling Thoughts
I continue to spiral without hesitation without a decrease in speed I fall. Plummeting down to the earth as if I’m a rogue space shuttle never ending fear of falling endlessly into the abyss of our world. My heart aches with every breath of cold lifeless air. Every heartbeat leading me closer and closer to my own demise. I cannot stop. Self loathing self hating unworthy I fall. Until there is nothing left but doubt doubt that I cannot be what I’ve dreamed to be on multiple nights. Trying to free myself from the internal pain that no one else is responsible for but myself. Trying to slow my breath down to what seems normal because I no longer know normal breaths only the tightened fearful anxious breathing I do on a daily basis. My mind alone because I chose to believe that no one is capable of love for me...in my vessel I’m useless worthless and alone. Waiting for someone a saviour to rescue me when it is I that must resurrect myself. When I am the only one with power unable to see the true energy that lies within my spirit which may be frail and weak but that is what has and will continue to power me. Trying to convert my frail personality into something that is strong and impenetrable someone that isn’t willing to spend their entire existence fighting themselves. A gift and a curse. Strong empath weak mind. I hide beneath my mask daily smiling and laughing as if to find glimpses in moments of time where I am actually content maybe even happy. I am broken perhaps not to the point of being unreparable but it sure feels that way right now. Hope is a beautiful emotion a feeling but hopelessness is enough to destroy a person's self journey. Repeating telling myself I have worth beyond any measure that I am valued that I am loved that I am beautiful that I am wanted and unique throwing words at a brain made out of rubber continuously bouncing them back conveying them into the opposite. A bouncy ball wanting to change its trajectory but in every bounce it returns to where it was thrown. Unable to dismount. Knowing there are humans who have gone through much greater of a feat and come out renewed and empowered. Knowing full well that I am blessed for what I have yet not using it to its full potential. I know that the old me who was unaffected and believed in happiness who had hope for the future is still deep beneath all my new layers but communicating with her is like trying to communicate with someone at the other end of the universe with only a flashlight as a way of sending a message through time and space so great it feels as if she is gone forever but at the same time waiting just beneath the surface to burst like a phoenix from its ashes. I am that Phoenix that is in my dreams it must be me. Soaring above carefree the symbol of life everlasting I soar freely. Energy as pure as the third eye could see. Programmed for self hate. Programmed by myself who then threw away the codes the codes to regain my joie de vivre. I know we all wear masks in some shape or form. We must it is the only way to be. Wether it be putting on a smile at work when you really aren’t happy or keeping your head up while dealing with tragedy loss. We all do it. Being free to feel whatever it is you are feeling in that moment wherever you are or whatever you are doing would be pure bliss. No longer having to hide or bite my lip but to just say what's on your mind negative or positive. Your truth. Truly speaking and feeling your truth every minute of everyday would be intensely freeing. The truth hurts when spoken to a person that doesn’t want to hear it but honestly should hear it. That person knows down to their core what their truth is and it's even harder when a stranger or a loved one spills their truth on how they view your life path life decisions. Facing your inner demons all in an instance triggered by someone else's words other than your own. Some will always chose to ignore and some will chose to face it. Every step in the right direction could be one in the wrong. But how could one ever know if one does not walk. If one does not take a leap of faith. Faith isn’t only having faith in god or faith in another human being but having faith in one self. Define Faith; complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Yet nowhere in that definition does it say having faith in your own spirit to guide you to what your journey is meant to be and while doing so having full confidence in such a path. If God created all then does that mean we are all descendants of Gods that we in our core DNA have that of ever powerful creators. If we are in-fact so lucky against every single odd that our civilization is blessed enough to be put in the middle of a solar system floating through an endless and vast vacuum with all the right elements to survive and we ourselves are made of those such elements we are truly Gods and Goddesses made of remnants of stars.
By Goddess Mars8 years ago in Poets
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