Deflate

The door jingles as you walk in,

and that signals my heart to skip a beat, the hair on the back of my neck to rise, and my whole body to tense.

You’d think that a simple jingle shouldn’t faze me and that it wouldn’t make any sense.

But that’s where you’re wrong.

The dark, intoxicating aura you carry is what scares me. It’s what keeps me on edge, what keeps me alert, what causes me to feel like nothing..

a pile of dirt.

The menacing smirk you carry around like a trophy ignites the tremble of my hands, ignites the instinct to run, nearly sucks some of the life away from me, and revokes every part of me that had previously been having fun, and that alone marks your presence as what some would like to call..

the smoking gun.

My breath hitches as this unsettling feeling in the midst of my stomach strikes me, the minute our eyes lock.

The sudden sense of emergence is overwhelming, mainly because your eye contact alone can imprison me like no other, and have my lungs feeling like the air that’s been stolen from them, isn’t the only thing that may not recover.

And all of a sudden I’m back. Back in your dizzying hold, almost feeling drunk as everything takes place in slow motion, and I struggle to comprehend that this is all happening once again.

Because once again I let you get too close,

And once again I let you pick my chin up,

And once again I wanted to hope you wouldn’t give me a sense of stockholm, a sense I’d once been drugged into believing was the peak of my comfort zone,

And once again you took hold,

And once again you took control,

And once again you have me feeling stuck, but at peace,

Because your twisted words, mixed with the soft feel of your lips, was a poisonous but dangerously good kind of drug to me..

So once again with tears at brim, I let myself drown in your dangerous fix, knowing that this wouldn’t be it, and knowing that this would end with me in a crumpled state, worse than scrapped paper,

Wishing I could do the one thing I'd never been able to do after all this time..

Deflate.