Dear, *name I never used*

Dear, name I never used

even if for a period of time,

I hoped you enjoyed seeing the world through my eyes.

As I'm curious.

could you humor me,

but just for a little bit?

...were you excited?

or did you feel my panicked horror of my first-time-experience?

where the test says "pregnant," and life is enhanced to another level of serious.

I'm curious,

did you feel my sense of compunction for failing to not notice you sooner,

the denial in me, converting my vocabulary, of 'motherhood' into humor.

ignoring the insomniatic nights, of no appetite,

Til I accepted my body's little intruder <3

I'm curious,

could you feel my excitment steadily growing?

those moments of constantly checking the mirror to see if WE were steadily showing.

I'm curious,

if you felt that sorbid quivering of soon caring for two,

dispersed, as you revealed your heartbeat of 162.

but I'm also curious,

as to when you and God could've had this talk?

was I deep, in my sleep?

or was this the plan all along?

Forgive me, my love, I am curious.

because I need to know,

why cancel at 13 at a 42 week show?

...

I'm curious,

now that you are gone could you still see me wallow in my sorrows,

or wail in my dejection?

Can you see the consumption of my bereavement?

the aching weight of 'booping' your nose, or you saying "dada" first...

none of it,

I'll never see it.

I'm curious,

does it hurt you to know that as time passes, people will forget you were ever there?

as my womb is your tomb,

I know you are safer with Him, as I release the feeling of despair.

...I'm curious,

if you knew just how much you were/are loved.

my precious one, of no name, whose life is succumbed.

...

I pray,

for the day,

where we can finally meet.

but...

until then, my love of no name, will you wait for me?

With my love,

***