Daydreaming

I like to think about what my life would have been like had I not been such a screw up

Had I not spiraled myself into a state of constant worry over finances and bills

Had I not taken out so many credit cards and things I couldn’t pay back

Would it have made any difference? Would I still be in the same spot I am today?

Still sitting and hoping and wishing that things had turned out differently or my luck had changed

I can give myself a headache thinking about all of the what ifs and hypotheticals that could have been

My life. A different life. With different people. And different mistakes. And different what ifs

Wondering how I would have messed it up this time

Because no matter how much I try and avoid my mistakes they always come back to me

Crawling into my brain like a parasite. Not letting me forget. Because should I forget?

Do I forget about my problems and pretend like they don’t exist? Like I am looking down, watching

Someone else’s life. Someone else’s mistakes. Someone else’s problems

Or do I stand up and face them? Look them in their eyes and say “I’m not afraid of you anymore”

What do I have to fear? The past is over; I can only look to the future.

To be better than I was. Better than I am.

But for now, I guess I’ll just sit here daydreaming about a world that will never exist.