Darkness

And just when I thought I was doing fine, I was reminded of past traumas that intoxicate my mind.

The flood gates flew open and memories of childhood nightmares came bursting through the door.

Triggers to some of the darkest periods of my life, picking me up and drowning me in the depths of a toxic wasteland.

Kicking and screaming - I’m trapped under a nightmare of deep despair while an imaginary force keeps me from coming up for air.

I make my way to the surface, breathless and exhausted - tears flooding from my eyes and my mouth blubbering a mess of words not even I can comprehend.

In an instant, memories of the past have taken me straight back to that feeling of powerlessness - making them feel more real than ever...

As though all the work I have done on myself over the years has meant absolutely nothing.

I feel deeply into the chaos, allow myself to sit in there and look around for a while.

I sleep, a lot. Until I feel ready to actually be awake.

I write, I listen to music, I paint, I run, I stretch, I meditate, I cook, I clean, I dance, I hug my loved ones.

I book in to speak to someone helpful.

And I repeat this over and over and over again.

Not until I feel ‘happy’, but until I feel like me again.

Until the pain of the torment rises and I can slip back to some form of normalised reality.

And it’s there, in these moments of ‘undoing’, ‘becoming’ and ‘igniting’ back to my current ultimate self, that I begin to feel new roots extend and grow.

Deeper and deeper I’ve weaved myself into the Earth and learnt a million lessons that may have taken me years to understand without the shove of these past traumas.

And then in some fucked up kind of way, I give thanks for the things that rip my heart out of my chest.

I hold space for the pain and the growth and the joy.

I forgive the people I never got the opportunity to forgive at that time and I hold my head high to enter a new day - knowing that I am strong, worthy and loved - above all else.