Dandelion Gold

14

Frigid air seeped in under the garage door

Concrete on concrete

I lay in my hoodie to keep warm

Never sleeping for fear of a threat that sometimes became reality

Related to me by blood but never family

I took the birthday money sent to me by my grandma

And I painted the walls yellow.

Yellow the color of sun

Of happiness

Of dandelions hated by every Karen and cherished by every child

The yellow made me smile

She hated yellow

She made me paint it grey again

She was the one who made me sleep in the garage

Who turned a blind eye to the

Terrorist

Living in the house with me

Because she was one too

Once again the garage

was a cold concrete prison

Hellhole basement of

A house I was homeless in

19

Too broke for a microwave

I heated my cold coffee in a pot on the stove

I fought the roaches away in an apartment unchanged from the 1990’s

Alone

But happy, because for the first time I was free

Free to sing

To grow

To live

To not worry if my money will get stolen or my mail read

Or if he would come in my room at night

Free to breathe

But not free to paint the walls yellow

Because it was an apartment, after all.

I chose gold instead

Gold the color of the nostalgia I never had

Gold the color of the wealth I experienced

Being broke but

free

Gold wrapping paper, Christmas decorations, dollar store finds

Illumined my walls

I had learned

From nights hungry and alone in a house

Full of familiar strangers

That I could make anything beautiful.

21

It was not your first time homeless

Nights of cold concrete

You, a ghost

Years of grief, loss, and pain,

Had killed the person you once were

A ghost, but still beautiful

I waited for the moment when

Not if

You would reveal yourself to be the way men always are

But you didn’t

You added to my peace

Instead of subtracting from it

You bought me a microwave

You made me chocolate covered strawberries when I was having a bad day

You respected my feelings, opinions, and body

Like no man

No person

Ever has.

You made everything vibrant

More real

More beautiful

You made me more alive.

We spent hours imagining

The little yellow house

We dreamed of buying together

On a tomorrow far far away

And everything that tomorrow represented

But somehow the tomorrow was yesterday

I write this now in our little yellow house

Lying on my stomach on the floor because we’re too broke to have furniture yet

But it’s ours. Ours, baby

I lie here reminiscing

Over the shattered pottery our lives are

And the mosaic we’re creating with the pieces

Surrounded by the golden warmth of

The love in your eyes when you look at me

That dimpled smile

The legible chicken scratch of your love letters

The sound of you breathing when you fall asleep in my arms

The softness of your skin

As I lay my head against your chest and feel your heartbeat

Warmth of dandelions in the summer sun

Reminiscing alone

Because the pain and grief and loss got the better of you

And right now

You’re facing the consequences created by the man you once were

Both of us refugees

Running from the living nightmares worse than any in our dreams

Searching for a home

Whatever home is

And in the process finding each other.

We have a beautiful life ahead of us, baby

And as long as we have each other

We will never be homeless again.