Dad

Dad

I remember

So please don’t tell me I don’t

Don’t say I was dreaming

Don’t say I was too young

I was awake the entire time

I learned to play dead that night

I learned silence is survival

Light filled my room

As you opened my door

Almost as if to save me

But it didn’t save me

I was so little

When you taught my body

Love was danger

I don’t wanna believe

That you chose me sober

As mom was asleep upstairs

After my body told on you

Regression they call it

I call it grief without a grave

I was four years old

When I lost a father

And gained one I couldn’t escape

Here’s the sad part

I still looked for love

I searched your face

My entire life

Wondering where it was

Beating myself up

Over why you didn’t love me

It was never me was it

I hated other dad’s

Other men

I hated myself

Because you taught me shame

He convinced the world you were a hero

And maybe that’s the worst part

How believable you are

You will die someday

And the truth is

I will grieve

Not you, but who I needed

Who I wanted to love

Who I wanted to love me

Who I always thought loved me

But never truly did

I will mourn the man

That should’ve protected me

And I will bury the childhood

That you never let finish grow

I will not forgive you

I will not romanticize surviving

I will not attend your falseness

I choose alienation over reconciling

I choose my memories

I choose myself

Goodbye Dad