Cups of Tea

Cups of Tea

Starvation is what satisfaction must taste like.

Cause i only feel pretty when i feel as empty as a school ground in summer.

Pretty little finger wrapped around the fourth cup of tea i've had in the past hour.

My body shudders like a jack hammer from being so cold yet so caffeinated..

Skin as white as snow.

Legs as thin as chop sticks.

If you think i'm describing myself you're wrong cause when i look in a mirror all i see is disappointment wrapped in lard.

At least that's what my mother told me.

She never told me i was fat only that i was going to be fat cause going to the gym three times a week and hardly eating at all is not good enough.

Because when you eat food you look awful.

It's not a good look.

Drink your tea and plan your next gym visit because you WILL be 300 pounds by the time you reach high school.

Well at least that's what my mother said.

I don't know if it's true because i see a 300 pound girl when i look in the mirror though i am far from it. Or am i?

The last thing i want is to look like my mom although i get told often that i do look like her.

But when people tell me i look like my mother i don't see beauty i see anger and pain crippled over a toilet because of a new medication she's taking.

Or laziness and fear because she only has less than ten people she can count on in her life.

Hunger feels like home, when i'm home sick though i'm standing in my home but my home doesn't feel like home.

Home feels like being scared to go home, because i don't know what i'm going home to.

Happy mom?Angry mom?

I guess i'll find out cause when i walk through that door it will decide what day i'm having.

If I'm going to eat at all that day.

If i'm going to lose myself then find myself in eight cups of bitter green tea.

Or maybe just feeling numb while i'm being told that i indeed am a disappointment.

I don't go home to that home anymore.

I go home to a loving father and stepmother that i consider my best friend.

But i feel the same way.

The fear it lingers.

Again i go home to find myself in cups of bitter tea that fill my empty stomach to feel like home.

09/20/17