Crying is Cool

For years I had this pre concieved notion of what healing and a healed version of myself would look like. She would levitate at will of course. That was a given. How else would people know I'm better in every way? Also I would speak in way that stops the world. My every word and sentiment would be breaking news. It was very shocking to me that even after committing to yoga for a whole week, and drinking more than enough water, I still was not peaking. I added prayer. Babes!! I prayed so much in every way. Prayer circles, journals, therapy, drugs, meditation, you name it. I probably couldve done more but the only thing that grew was frustration. Im not that peak image of healing. what was it? I was ashamed. I was ashamed that because i wasnt out performing, out glowing, that it wasnt happening. Mind you it was. I was having glorious experiences. Unforgetable moments, but that shame itched at me. I often felt like crying. And i hated her. I hated that part of me that i couldnt control. I was scared. scared that someone would make me fucking cry. and they did. but i carried that fear. I hated my tears. I hated their flow. I hated how free my tears where. I was jealous if you can believe that. That the only time i feel good is when Im crying. Forreal letting looooooose with the water! But i was ashamed. At the same stupid time.

Ive always been a cryer and i had to embrace that before it killed me.