Countdown

20

I constantly spend time staring at myself in mirrors and glass windows, tugging at whatever fat I can find on my body. My mother says I’m too thin but I don’t see it. I see strangers staring at me, whispering under their breath wishing they had my waist and my long legs but I don’t see how anyone would want the fat that covers my body.

I blame my weight loss on the prozac and some people believe me but my mom freaks out and tells me I need to stop killing myself because she doesn’t need another problem.

But if I’m dead, then I can’t be a problem anymore.

19

I move food around my plate as my friends converse freely about me, and I catch the lingering stare of a friend who shares the same secret I do. I fight to give her a smile but I tear up instead and run to the bathroom to hide from everything.

“You’re stronger than you think,” I hear her say after she finds me in a bathroom stall. “We’re going to get better.”

I was diagnosed with tuberculosis and I remember crying into my friend’s shoulder, telling her that I so desperately wanted to die and maybe starving myself would speed up the process because I was just so fed up with everyone and everything.

18

I cut my birthday cheesecake with delight and take a large piece without a care in the world because I deserve my happiness. After everyone left, I spent the night crying myself to sleep and I heard my mom tell my dad that I maybe I wasn’t depressed, just going through a rough phase in my life. After all, graduation was just around the corner.

17

I’m finally the ideal weight I’ve dreamt to be. Why would I not be happy with the body I have? Sure, how I got here wasn’t quite ideal but I’ll stop now.

But I really don’t want to stop at all.

16

The modeling agency thinks it would be good for me if I lost twenty pounds. I don’t mind. I mean, I’m fat so if I lose twenty pounds then I’ll be perfect. And perfect is all I’ve ever wanted to be.

15

I look through the photos of my birthday party and notice how my dress just fits a little too snug, but my boyfriend assures me that I’m beautiful. I want to believe him but I don’t.

14

My mom bought me my first straightener. I overhear her talking to my grandma that she thinks she’s getting through to me and the next step would be to get me to lose some weight. Then, and only then will I be pretty.

13

I would walk around school, wearing girdles and waist trainers underneath my school uniform because my mom thinks it would be good to define my figure so when I get older I can be thin and pretty.

12

I’m taller than everyone at school and I hate how my ears look and I hate how frizzy my hair is. I just want to be pretty.

11

I have a hard time finding clothes that fit me because I’m bigger than most kids my age. But it shouldn’t matter, right? When I get a little taller, I’ll shrink in weight.

10

I sit in the bathtub, bubbles floating all around me and I tell my mom that I wish I had never been born. I tell her that I wish I could die at this very moment. I begin to sink deeper underneath the water but my mom tells me I’m being ridiculous and drags me out of the tub.

9

As I sit in the lunchroom with my friends, I notice how much rounder my stomach is compared to everyone else. And I’m taller than the boys, but even the girls my height are thinner than I am.

8

I don’t have many friends because no one understands me.

7

I got my first pair of glasses today and everyone thinks I’m weird, but it’s okay. I can create my own little world and hide away from everyone.

6

I had a nightmare about a thin woman standing in the corner of my room. I don’t know her name, but she wants to help me. With what, I don’t know.

5

“What are you sad about?” the doctor asked.

“I dunno. I’m not happy,” I said.

4

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1

0

I remember my parents telling me that my birth was a miracle; that me being born defeated the odds. But, what if, even as a little fetus I knew that I didn’t want to be alive in the first place.