Combine to Make Me

RED

Consumed my vision

Ever widening pool of blood seeping into ice

My own cries in my ears

I am scooped up into someone’s arms

And carried to the rink’s edge

Placed in my father’s arms

Bandaged, tied down, sewn up

All better

Back when adult arms could make me safe

When did I become the adult?

How do I make people safe?

How do I make myself safe?

ORANGE

Swaths of orange-pink clouds

A million sunsets and a million kisses

With you, my only

And all I want is to protect you

How do I make you safe?

I always make sure you have your seatbelt on

When we drive to see the sunsets

Under creamsicle clouds we kiss

And I make sure your ears aren’t too cold

YELLOW

Living room walls

Golden like the sun

I practice my scales

I play my favorite songs

And write new ones

And there in that room, I played for her

For the very last time

That song was one of my favorites

I don’t listen to it anymore

GREEN

Fresh-cut grass

I lay in the backyard

And smell the earth that raised me

For the last time

Once, without knowing it

Felt dirt between my fingers

And enjoyed it for the last time

When did this happen?

Was that the day I lost my childhood?

And can I get it back?

To think how many endings we face

Without knowing they are the end of anything

Excuse me, sir, is there a lost and found here?

I think I’ve lost my way

BLUE

Her favorite color

Mine too, apparently

Chameleon that I am

Adapt to my surroundings and blend

But how will I get noticed?

And how do I come out of hiding?

PURPLE

Blue and pink, together purple

My favorite color, now that I know myself

Proud and brave

Musician, scholar, teacher

Not a very good friend, but I try

A good caretaker

Trying to be a good girlfriend

Trying to be a lot of things

But always, inescapably, me

ME

Less a puzzle, more like paint

Combine to make me

The same little girl who saw red

But I carry myself now

Just a woman looking out for the man I love

To keep him safe

The same girl who played a song

Not knowing it was an ending

The young woman who laid in the grass

Forever lost yet where she needed to be

The girl who loved another girl

In a way she didn’t know she was allowed

The same woman who came out

When she could have hidden in plain sight

And I am proud of myself

Proud of who I am and what I have done

Not all of it, not perfect, but I try

Every day, I wake up, and I try

To be, this day, better than before

To be more than the sum of my parts