Collector of Colors

They say everyone has a color.

I look at my friend Olivia and see light blue illuminating her outline because she is tender in all the right places. When she looks at you her eyes are full of care + warmth + the depth of an ocean.

When I look at my sister, I see yellow sparks at her fingertips. She electrifies joy into the lives of others. Her smile charges the sun.

My youngest sister is a deep, velvety purple. She commands societies' rules to bend to her. The color of royalty. The color of power. The color of a woman who isn't afraid.

When I look in the mirror, I am searching for my palette. I can never land on one color. I ask my friends to define my energy and they all give me different answers: beige, red, lavender, burnt orange. It's all brought me to a purgatory. A prison of the mind. A wanting for an identity I can't seem to find. I can't help that every shade I try on I fall in love with.

I think, over the years, the media has taught me to be one thing. That it is the normal thing to do. The adult thing to do. They ask, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Ten year old me could never find an answer. How do you choose ONE thing in a life of infinite possibilities?

For years that question haunted me: What do I want to be? Who am I?

Only now, in this present moment, am I recognizing the beauty in the unknown. In the undecided. In the chaos.

I am a mess of colors. I am beige for all the times I've played peace keeper. I am red for every time I yelled at the top of my lungs, hungry for justice. I am lavender for all the hearts I've held with gentle care. All the sweet conversations with strangers. I am burnt orange, like the setting sun, for all the hard decisions I have had to make. The goodbyes and endings I've seen. For all the warmth and love I've shown myself despite adversity.

I am learning it is okay to be more than one thing.

This whole world was made for us. Made to be touched. To be felt. To be seen and loved. We are not meant to be tethered to one job, one person, one city. I am learning to love my chaos. My unknown. It allows me to find the spaces in which I can grow.

And I am proud of the palette of colors I've collected to get here.