Clueless

I met a man on the first date

Safe to say he was a sleaze

Kept complimenting my appearance

Yet calling me a tease

He couldn't pick me up

Because he did not drive

I do try not to judge much

But this man was thirty-five

He said to meet him at the restaurant

But then he turned up late

I waited out of courtesy

To start with a clean slate

The restaurant he'd insisted on was loud

More a bar, with such bright lights

With slightly sticky tables

And no ambience in sight

Full to the brim with jock types

But I'd said I'd give this guy a try

So for the next two hours, I sat there

And pretended to be shy

I slapped a smile upon my face

And tried giving it my best

But the food was lacking lustre

And the conversation, even less

He kept on boasting about himself

You know he's one of those

Never asking me one single question

Yet confident he'd close

He wouldn't stop his incessant talking

About how he was a 'goer'

But appearances can be deceiving

Announcing he's a grower, not a shower

No one had asked him about his manhood

Or how much money he was making

Why he had white powder on his nose

Or why his hands were shaking

He spoke about himself in third person

Something that I cannot stand

As my inner monologue teased my version

Of the date that I had planned

He said he was a salesman

That he knew all of the tricks

He could sell glasses to the blind

With his good looks and his quick wit

I should have waited longer

Before agreeing to meet for dinner

To vet him better to determine

Why he called himself a winner

Not a washed-up has-been

Who puts his pay cheque up his nose

I kick myself internally

As on about himself, he goes

He said he has respect for women

But no one lives up to his mother

Who still did his washing for him

But what he needed was a lover

Whilst he wasn't making eye contact

He talked directly to my chest

And was talking with his mouth full

And, of course, the rest

He bragged that he was 'such a catch'

A 'real stand-up bloke,' and then

On my food, I nearly choke

As he rates me out of ten

Next, he was rude to the waitress

Claiming it to be absurd

As she presented him with the bill

Whilst his words he slurred

He demanded we should split it

Insisted it was only fair

Regardless he'd spent twice as much

Yet I paid my share

I couldn't wait to ditch him

And get on with my night

As I tipped the waitress for her trouble

Much to her delight

I thanked him for his time

And quickly headed for the door

My disappointment obvious

Of this, I am quite sure

Yet he followed me to my car

Wishing to accompany me home

As he couldn't take me back to his

For he didn't live alone

It turned out that he lived

In comfort with his mum

Who didn't charge him rent

So he couldn't see the harm

I still had a little hope

That chivalry wasn't truly dead

As he found the nerve to announce

That he was hoping to get head

As if the night couldn't get any better

He leaned in for a kiss

I'll tell you this for nothing

His left testicle he'll miss

Because I kneed it so hard

That his face turned a different colour

As he folded to the floor

And made acquaintance with the gutter

To add insult to literal injury

He wheezed that I should call him

If I realised my mistake

And changed my mind, in the morning