Cloven

Bones warmed, Summer’s heat

Head swimming, too sick to eat

Inhale, exhale. Pray.

***

A mathematical symbol

That most adults would recognize.

Two tiny lines, in parallel.

To its meaning, Woman's wise.

Cinder block upon my chest.

Panic, terror… even shame.

A part of me forever stricken

By a babe without a name.

***

Autumn’s love of change

Colorful, energizing

Eyes on tomorrow.

***

All things shifting,

So many unknowns.

My belly gets rounder.

The child within grows.

A few new beginnings;

A few endings too.

Not just me anymore;

Now me and you.

***

Bitter Winter sets

Mothers settle in and wait

Hope and love grow fast

***

One mathematical symbol

Tilts my world on its side.

The place I had been going

In irrelevance, died.

***

Buh dum, buh-duh dum

Hello there, Sweet Perfection

Kissed by coming Spring

***

Made from my womb.

Suckled at my breast.

Cradled in my arms.

Held safe against my chest.

Life’s ideal, my new dream.

All else a blur, but never you.

Love still growing, ever swelling.

My awe of you, forever new.

You were born, and my soul cleaved.

Stretched taut between us like a violin string.

A bond I knew could never be broken.

A living, breathing, magnificent thing.

***

Days and years pass.

Moment by moment, a boy you become.

Something changes gradually.

It’s in my soul-string’s thrum.

In sleep, I find you playing.

Laughter like a trickling brook.

Beckoning me to “Come.”

“Come have a closer look.”

Excited breaths and pitter patter steps.

I chase you down the rabbit hole.

Searching, reaching, grasping.

Running down the sound of my soul.

Marshmallow cheeks, soft and flushed.

Curly top and perfect, cherry lips.

A golden yellow flower

Clutched between your tiny fingertips.

I kneel on the ground before you,

Eyes wide, I drink you in.

My heart hits its bursting point.

As you say: “Yook, Mawey. Dan-dee-yi-den.”

I bury my nose in your hair,

Whisper “Mommy loves you.” Squeeze you tight.

I try to memorize your skin, your smell.

Pray that time might freeze so you might…

***

But then, I wake.

Not much left of me that's whole.

Clinging, Cleaving, Cloven.

Bleeding out from the dangling cord of my soul.

Shriveled, eroded.

More relic than living being.

A husk where a heart used to beat.

A memory now, and here’s the thing:

I cleaved to you, never realizing

All along, through all the years,

You were struggling upward, fighting,

While I fed you on my doubts and fears.

***

Time, the thieving bitch.

Yeah, I know her all too well.

So many days I’ve wasted

Baking in my self-made hell.

Praying for sundown and

The silence and forgetfulness of sleep.

Solitude, oblivion, and peace

To loosen all the unwhole things I’ve reaped.

Each night a chance to reset

And wake up a healthier, happier me.

Maybe I could learn to be a better mom

Help you grow, set you free.

***

A tug-of-war between my soul and You

Clinging, cleaving

Cleaving, clinging

We tugged and tugged

Until it snapped

You were free

I was mangled

You were free

I was lost

You were free

I was what was left, not me

I woke up cloven.

Thank God you were free.

***

A new sun rises

The same day begun again

Now ten years too late