Cleanse or Ruin

Cleanse or Ruin?

Jonny Evans

Rage and anger surfacing,

Becoming conscious, rising from depths,

Deeply submerged, stifled and boxed,

So long a forlorn corpse.

I see him now.

Carefully locked away, denied no air,

Now conscious, present, watching, waiting, biding his time, stalking me, ready to pounce!

As love fades, he strengthens incrementally,

imperceptibly, fuelling cruel rebukes.

Hiding in my depths, smouldering yet growing,

Held in abeyance still, but only just.

He walks with me.

I know he’s there now.

Storms on the horizon, impermeable clouds,

Observed fearfully, bearing down.

Fear that they will burst, shattering the order,

So carefully constructed and maintained for so long.

I know he’s coming,

Reeking hurt, smashing peace,

Will I contain him, restrain him, hold him down,

Then watch him eat me from within?

Given free rein, let loose, cleansing me yet

Inflicting my painful loss, ravaging the misguided,

Emotional havoc, this rising tsunami.

Cleanse or ruin?

My dawning consciousness feeds him,

Nurtured by tainted love.

Bereft, lonely, used again,

Knowing the inadvertence of it.

Trying to understand, to rationalise, forgive.

Fearing to fail, soul piercing with my pain,

Frantically seeking the stable yet vanishing comfort; that calm eye.

But you’re not wanted anymore, John.

Indifference, the rage’s ignition,

Swamping us both, changing everything.

Quietly sat during this long, sleepless night.

Alone.

Fearful of who I might become.

He’s here now.