chronic pain
a beleaguering friend
i have lived with you forever.
some of my earliest memories are full of
you. my youthful swagger many have commented on is your presence in my back, knees, and hips. the weight of my world is too great to carry daily,
so i adjust my gait accordingly.
burst this, compression that–
fractures line my lumbar spine.
arthritis plagues my joints, my knees creak and fill with fluid, shins grew twisted.
hips, a bridge fixed, crumble under the pressure of referred strain.
i used to work out to alleviate these symptoms. used to punish myself on the trails and in the gym
because i didn't know how to have a relationship with my body that wasn't punitive.
i don't know how to have a relationship with my body that isn't punitive.
i have framed my body as a failure. as a colossal lack. because people told me it was.
until i did the things that other people were doing
and hurt myself doing them,
people made it clear my body was a failure. a colossal lack.
some people didn't believe me. told me i was lying about you to get out of gym class, laps at practice, dance choreography, or life in general.
doctors accused me of lying about you for vicodin. i had never heard of it, but i would become addicted to it when it was finally prescribed to me.
you have defined corners of my life that i never even thought could be penetrated by a somatic experience–
not like this.
i must learn new ways to be gentle with myself. patient. more kind.
you have visited me with a vengeance these past few days, and
i'm sorry i underestimated you
and neglected my body to this degree.
i will live with you forever
and must act accordingly.
i understand that now.
About the Creator
kp
I am a non-binary, trans-masc writer. I work to dismantle internalized structures of oppression, such as the gender binary, class, and race. My writing is personal but anecdotally points to a larger political picture of systemic injustice.
Reader insights
Nice work
Very well written. Keep up the good work!
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Compelling and original writing
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Writing reflected the title & theme
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Comments (17)
Though pain does intrude, it doesn't have to take away. Well-wrought, KP!
I am going through that pretty much these days, so i need to have this conversation with myself, So raw and true, thanks for this at the right time. Be well and blessed.
Congratulations on Top Story!! - Well Deserved!!!
Congrats on the Top Story 🎊🎊 Hope pain eases and you can maneuver comfortably.
it's really nicee!
Excellent story on acceptance of an unfortunate life situation. Not everyone can do the same activities as other , we have to adapt to our own abilities. Love how honest you are here, and so many people go through this. Congratulations on top story.
What a wonderful story!
COngratualtions on this open and truly honest writing
Yay! Congrats on top story!!! Well deserved 👏♥️👏
This is so powerful and honest. Thank you for sharing. Be gentle with yourself; you deserve that kindness. Congratulations on getting top story 🎉
Back to say Congratulations on Top Story!!!
All too real. All too relatable. Especially as a younger person, people don’t believe our pain. We’re too “young” to have “those” problems. Well, no actually.
In Today's world in the US, it goes you no good to complain about pain. The healthcare is not interested in a person's pain these days just about money. Good article, very informative - Well Done!!!
KP, have you heard of Chronic Repetitive or Regional Pain Syndrome? I was diagnosed with this two years ago by a pain specialist here in Sweden and had a stay in hospital for those with the same diagnose. It sure sounds like you may be suffering from the same. I truly understand what so few people don't "get". Somewhere in my older Vocal writing there is a piece I wrote called, "All Aboard: it's the Pain Train. Using my phone atm so not sure how to link it in. Give it a read if you want.
Powerful writing. Thank you.
You encapsulate the misery and hopelessness of this so well. So relatable and poignantly human ♥️
"I don't know how to have a relationship with my body that isn't punitive...." I really do love and relate to your work. This was really good. Sorry that it's something we relate to ❤️