Cheating Rape

Keep quiet

Tell no one

You are still friends

I really didn’t show

Any remorse

In the end

The first time it was gross

The last time it felt pretend

Don’t touch me when I’m sleeping

Don’t touch me like the drunken trend

One I said no

The other happened too fast

It just so happens the last time

Was the first time I cheated

Never again.

How do you tell the person you love, you fucked an old friend

But it’s not what you wanted, at the time even though in previous encounters you gave all the consent

No one will believe you

Cheater cheater you did this to her

Babe please I love you so much

“It’s okay I’ve been cheated on before”

I can’t handle my guilt

I fell to the floor

Crying at my phone, I can’t see you anymore

But don’t leave me alone you’re the only one that cures

I feel so ashamed

My biggest fear was YOU playing this game

But I did this I did

He touched me

You didn’t

You actually stopped that long before this had a beginning

We were already on the edge

This was the last thing we needed

I’m so sorry I’m so sorry

Please forgive

I swear to you

This is not how I live

I’m loyal

I’m loyal

Even though in your past you have not been

That’s part of the reason I was so scared to upset you

Thought you’d go off and fuck another bitch to prove I’m nothing

I feel like nothing

You never betrayed me like that

I betrayed you

Our ending was sad

As soon as I woke up in a dreary hungover state

I texted you what happened even though it was too late

Didn’t accept to myself that it was real rape

Felt too selfish for even being in that forsaken place

I should have moved as soon as I felt his hands linger

But it’s all a drunken blur as to how I even had time to get triggered

My body reacted before my mind could

It’s disgusting to say it probably seemed like I enjoyed it but my mind wasn’t okay,

I needed it to end so I tried to ignore it

It was too late

Too late

I didn’t want it

But it was too late

I was just kind of laying there in this perpetual state of

What have I done

I thought of you

Why won’t I run

I can’t even move

This is so wrong

But it was over before

I could get fumed

I immediately went numb

He isn’t you

I’m not saying this not happening would have solved our issues

I’m saying I was only ever true to you

It happened but it wasn’t welcomed

It happened but you were seldom

Didn’t really care

While I yelled and sunk myself in to the seams of the couch where I rode the rest of our break up out

You said it was okay

But I wasn’t okay with myself

Couldn’t go another day so I left again

Guilt ate my love

Rape can not be my friend

But he is

He’s still in my life to this day

I don’t hate him like I should and I don’t know why I’m this way

He’s done it more than once

But considering I consented the other days

It’s hard to hate who once made you feel okay

I should though shouldn’t I

Not only did he take advantage

He made me cheat

I CAN NOT STAND THIS

WHY DO I ALWAYS BLAME ME

HATE HIM PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

JUST BECAUSE YOU ONCE DATED HIM DOESN’T MEAN HE GETS TO BE FREE

but I’m loyal

He never changed that

I’m loyal

With him I’m always patient

I won’t throw him under the bus

But I will remove him from my mind like he never was

Black it all out

Just as you were when your feeling went numb

Just as you were when you couldn’t run

Just as you were when it was all done

Rape

Never leaves the victim

Rape

Should beat the system

Rape

Is not just some old man

Rape

Can be your friend

Rape

Doesn’t mean your body didn’t react

Rape

Can seem like it’s okay in fact

Rapists make it seem that way

Manipulating consent

Still rape

Long day, too tired for sex

Still rape

You were just then holding hands

Still rape

I did not cheat

I was raped

I did not cheat

I was raped

I did not cheat

I was raped

I’ll be saying that until the day I die

Hopefully one day I can believe my cries

Hopefully one day I can forgive myself for his demise

Hopefully one day this isn’t such a common fight

Hopefully one day people understand why we hide

We accuse when we accept

We accuse when we protect

We accuse when we’re upset

We accuse when it’s a mess

We don’t accuse because of what would be said

We don’t accuse because they are our friends

We don’t accuse because nothing will change

We don’t accuse because we’re ashamed

But we’re tired of the pretend

We’re tired of making amends

We can’t let them get their way with us,

Again

Let’s all

Believe in you and

Me Too.