Burn the Ships

I smell like smoke.

My hair, my clothes, probably my breath.

I grew up in Canada and we had wood-burning stoves for heat, so we all smelled like smoke, all the time. We were nose blind to it. What a weird saying.” to be nose blind.” but we all know what it means without having to be educated on it. As I got older, smelling like smoke was one of those things that either meant you were at a bonfire with friends and having a wonderful time, or you were working out in the field,burning brush and dead trees. Both of those scenarios being favorable to just sitting in the house watching TV.

But today, I smell like smoke because I decided it was time to burn the ship of my past life. At moments, the fire got intensely hot and I had to step back to a more comfortable space. And as the relics of days gone by burned, and turned into ash and embers, I put more on the fire.

I’ve been thinking about moving on for a while. Mike’s been gone since February 12 of 2022, and I don’t really need pictures on the wall to remember him by. He is safe in my mind, and the memories of him are neatly placed, like a shelf in the library. There isn’t a way to live with someone for 28 years and not be changed,either for better or worse. I’ve been changed for the better. But….

“And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; or else the new wine will burst the wineskins and be spilled, and the wineskins will be ruined. But new wine must be put into new wineskins, and both are preserved. And no one, having drunk old wine, immediately desires new; for he says, ‘The old is better.’ ” Luke 5:37-39

But you can put old wine in new wine skins. And even though I have burned a lot of things today, it hasn’t changed my past in any way . I still have the memories of what it felt like to be loved and adored right up until the last day. I never had to wonder if I was pretty enough or smart enough, or if I was kind enough or good enough because I was told that I was, every day.

Burning the relics of my past life will open up space for the new things, both physically and mentally. In the beginning I used tangible things to cling to, in a self-preservation kind of way, to buffer the blast of a sudden and radical life change. But now I’ve grown past that. I don’t need anything to cling to anymore- I’m able to stand up straight, and step forward without any aid. And I decided it was time to replace the stale and stagnant pool of feelings with a running stream of new adventures, new experiences leading to fresh new feelings. It feels good already. I’m going to get used to saying “yes,” instead of “no” way more often. I’ve decided to bloom. And find someone who piques my interest, and really gets me. Life is looking good, especially because…

I smell like smoke.