Bruised Blossoms

My anxiety demands that you abuse me,

It demands that you lie to me

I am triggered by love and care,

I no longer remember what it feels to be truly loved

To be needed,

It is always what I have that is wanted from me

This morning I am reminded of a loan I promised,

Loans which shall be paid by God's grace to me

I am always there for those who do not answer their calls,

When I am stranded in the middle of nowhere

I settle for this familiarity in men,

Stop telling me you love, I do not want to hear it

Those who do not respect themselves stay and beg

No matter how hard I try to chase them away,

Who are you to forgive me again,

Have you forgotten this is the sixth time I am unfaithful?

Your presence diagnoses me with self-hate

Your presence screams at me to be better,

You remind me that it is not my fault

Yet they said I have asked for it,

It is always those who ask for it who do not get away

Toddlers asked for it when they cried,

Pensioners asked for it when alone at night

No one states this when I am blamed,

Blamed for what I wore that day

I punish you for what they did to me,

I have crosses and nails prepared

For those who try to understand me before they touch me,

I have amnesia when you ask how my day was

I am bored when you check on my safety,

In floods, in hail, in storms that break

Against the endless chaos of life

I want you to say that you noticed,

Noticed that something was wrong the moment

You walked through and saw furniture scattered,

When I was tied down and questioned where the safe was

But you walked in and called all the chaos renaissance art.