BEING ME.

I sometimes wish I could fall asleep as quickly as I jerk up awake. At a moment’s notice. At the snap of a finger. At the press of a button.

I want to be able to mute all the voices roaring inside my head, I want to be able to believe that no demons are waiting for me in my dreams, or under the bed.

I want to be able to think of tomorrow only when the dawn breaks and I want to be able to allow the past to stay where it is.

I don’t want the darkness to flood me with thoughts of how better today could have been, I don’t want it to fill me with plans and promises of a future that may or may not be seen.

When the clock strikes 12 and I hit the sack, I want silence to engulf me, I want it to overwhelm my mind with peace. I want the night to sing me to sleep, I want it to eat away at my grief, and I want it to eat away at the fears that don’t want to leave.

I want the night to become my canopy, shielding me from everything that refuses to let me breathe.

I don’t want to spend my waking moments thinking of the one NO I hear in the morning. Or wondering what I could have done better to have kept it going.

I don’t want to tell myself that there’s only so much I can do no matter how hard I try or how a coin will have only two faces even if I hang it out to dry.

I want to compartmentalize the hundred-thousand questions in my brain into rooms, each completely unaware of the noise in the other, each unapologetically indifferent to the other’s fear.

I want the adrenaline to stay at least 30 rock steps away from dopamine. I want my insecurities to stop hijacking my dreams.

Heck, I want to build glass castles and breathe life into them, no matter how unreal they might seem.