'Be Vocal', They Tell You..

...Where the hell have I been? I know its been a miniute since ive had the words together. Ive honestly just figured If i shut the fuck, I would wither away into nothingness-- settle somewhere under a rock, hiding behind classism and trying to figure out if skipping 3 meals in a row is considered Intermitted Fasting. Long story drawn over and over again, I have been into and through the thick of life's transitons and these days-- inspiration feels a lot like a slap to the face. And Yo, Im so pissed! I am inspired. My inspiration knows limited bounds though, I want to do a lot of things, to be a lot of things... and none of them look like the person I have grown to become, or the people Ive introduced myself to along the way. So you know what that means right? This means it is time to reinvent myself. Now this is not a medicine I am unfamilar with. I am most conditioned in Chamillionarie-ism. I change before the wind decides to blow, and before it knows what direction it will retreat in. Im already fucking over "it."That just gives you prespective on how "good" I am at throwing people off and being extrememly unpredictable. When I was a child I would alternate between who I knew myself to be and who I wanted the world to address me as, I will say this has aided in tons of the confusion I have right now regarding my reinvention.

Whats Ironic about this "reinvent-go-around"- is the fact that everyone I wish to be is someone that ive never had the luxury of being. Out of all the "anyones" I wish to become, there is some self entitled group of pretenders and psuedo-Anthropogist on the subject. Yet, Somehow theyre making really BIG capatalisitc bucks with little effort--and truthfully speaking not only have I never been --dense, Chile- but I have also never been about effort that is hardly commendable. Lets acknowledge the elephant in the room that squeals when I say, Black women were never allowed to be mediocore.

*Guess who also just learned that they're half white.*

Irony. Because as I sit with this new space im in, contemplating my life's quest like this is an Amazon Prime Day purchase or something, I realize that the only thing I wish I can digress into would be mediocrity. I know this sounds played, right? You can be all you can be, all these amazing things sis, and you want to be basic.

The answer simply, is Yes, that is actually my truest desire. To do nothing, and to be great at it. I want to be a great nothing, like I said how Ironic is that. But due to the overachieving and cryptic way I, and many other brown and black women grew up-- I now see doing nothing... is a privelege. It is a privelege to not worry about standard, or to mirror a code of ethics or care-- It is an privelege just to hire out all the self work that you need. It is ineed a privelege to wake up every day and choose to do nothing with the privelege. I want to do nothing with my privelege and feel unashamed about it. Call it laziness, I dont know what that is to agree with you. For a woman like myself, all my bones know is tired and true, trigger or two-some sexual advance I didnt ask for-- and for hips that leave the curve in my back over extended.

I want the oppurtunity to live outloud in a way that doesnt require me to break down my inner walls to do it. All this protection that Ive afforded myself by revinention... has its terms and conditons. And while I know that realistically speaking, I could very well throw in the towel and give nothing more to my self... I know that this will cut off the blood flow to the world directly around me and somehow I am not simply stuck with these thoughts.. rather I am paralyzed by the fear of being so damn Basic -- that everyone that comes from me, around me and threw me will walk around with a impenertable level of basic that they would not get to undo.

You see we exist to ripple and echo. One kicked rock will change the floor of the Tundra. And baby, the idea of reinvention is long expired, when you have a legacy to create, deligate and uphold. I guess this is what they mean by a mothers sacrifice knows no bounds. Every day i fight the urge to be basic, and answer to nothing and to be good at that. But theres no way I could be Basic. Im a fucking Mother.