Battle For My Mind

My eyes snap open, wide awake now.

Fluttering memories of my dream linger.

I remember last night, how embarrassed I felt,

I would muffle by brain with my belt, if I could.

Prevent the stream of negativity, evil and malice.

I don’t want them, rather I hate them,

But somewhere deep inside, I secretly enjoy.

Calling people fat, or worse, ugly.

Imagining adulterous thoughts with random people going by.

Relishing the thought of a building blowing up,

Or thinking of kicking a police car.

No, these thoughts are crossing the bar,

I must not let them out, stifle them till they diminish.

But the more I fight, the stronger the thoughts.

By trying to forget, I inevitably remember.

Everyday is a struggle, to stay calm on the outside,

Yet inwardly I am ashamed, horrified, gutted.

The people look at me with eyes,

Eyes that seem to know about my thoughts.

Looks of disgust, fear or hatred,

I feel like cowering in a corner,

Crying myself to sleep.

But to give up would be too easy,

To throw in the towel expectedly.

No, I will fight on the good fight, I will finish the race.

I remember all these sins have been atoned,

And I know, I am never alone.