Awkward grace

I am ashamed

Of my passionate nature,

Especially in love.

My passion has never been

Received well,

So why would I honor

Something in me

That makes me look bad?

As for waiting for “them”

To express their passion for me —

You guessed it...

Those I was interested in

Were never interested in me.

“Lucky exceptions” were only

Those willing to take

But not to give.

It wasn’t conscious I believe

But, as a good friend noted,

After I fell apart on him,

Bemoaning the ridiculous

Story-of-my-life,

“You were with boys, not men.”

Ugh.

So here I am,

Youth already wasted...

How much of my fault was it?

I have tried to own

As much of it as I could,

As if the fault is all mine...

I tried to accept, encourage,

Dismiss my lonely tears,

When I’d wake up next to them —

Deliberately clueless,

Happy as larks...

At the cost of my unhappiness.

I’m asking too much.

I’m unrealistic...

Dammit!!

Feedback is the breakfast of champions,

And I used to serve it generously,

Hoping to be heard,

Hoping they would see

How the way they do, or neglect to do

Certain things

Affects me.

Nope...

They won’t hear it. Never. Ever.

“Shut up, my love.”

I have combined two expressions —

One from a fight,

One from a truce

(For what kind of “peace” is that?)

Sums up their attitude

In its absurdity.

But they are MEN,

They can’t be wrong

Even though I know they are.

But my knowledge is of little help

When I feel ashamed

Of being who I am.

Why is that?

It seems to me

That shame is the result of rejection.

If they don’t want or don’t value

What I offer —

It must be bad. Ick.

Yeah, perhaps they don’t have

What it takes to handle it —

But that doesn’t make me

Feel better.

I just wondered what if

THE IMPOSSIBLE happens :

A man of my dreams

Appearing before me,

In full integrity and splendor,

On his knees,

Begging me to be his?

Would I doubt him

Because I was misled before?

Or worse, doubt myself —

Don’t you see those crow’s feet and whatnot?

Am I fit for life with you —

A Gothic god? (my repertoire, can’t help it).

I have escaped from Mother’s

Concentration camp,

I lived through devastation and betrayal,

I combatted wild bears —

But in his presence

I would fucking melt

Like ice cream in a scorching heat...

So terrified he’d drink me

In just one gulp... then what?!

I’d feel so mortified and gutted

If he won’t think that much of it.

No I don’t want that.

So to avoid more shame

I might say something rude

Or just plain run away

And hide in my imaginary bathtub,

The mermaid’s last resort,

Full of my own tears,

Still hoping, dreaming

That I am his Treat-of-a-Lifetime,

That he would die for me.

So there I’m staying...

And I won’t get out

Unless he comes for me

And lays his very heart

Right at my fishtail.

And means it... makes it loud and clear.

For now, I’m experiencing silence.

But this mermaid girl is who I am,

Beyond ambition, “getting somewhere”.

She is The Magic.

Men are many

But only one like her.

In quiet waters

I feel the answer to the riddle

Of what’s on a man’s mind.

The loneliness I suffered,

The fear of being not enough,

The striving for perfection —

All of that is theirs, not mine,

Rejected and projected

Right on me.

My stakes are high

But theirs are higher.

I may die alone but still in peace

Because this mermaid girl is precious

And now that I’ve reclaimed her

I have recalled my standards.

Not for the glamour’s sake

But because I love her

And choose the best for her.

No one is allowed

Into this chamber, dimly lit

Where she is Dreaming in her bathtub...

She’s Dreaming fairy-tales into existence

And that’s the most important job of all.

Reality without them became so screwed

That it’s unlivable.

So here she is...

If anyone would dare to enter

They’d have to only wear pearls

And Dance, not walk...

No idle talking either.

Instead, they’d Sing...

And there I’m at home,

All fears and cares irrelevant.

In mundane realm they’re killing me

But I’m immortal

And if not found by someone special

I’m still not lost...

You may destroy this shell,

Make fun of tangled hair

And desecrate my fishtail...

Curse be on you then,

And blessings on the one

Who finds me in another Dream,

Re-anchored in a baby universe

Instead of this one.

New beginnings.

*Splash*

July 31, 2021.