Arcane

Poison soaked roses

Sometimes the words flow from my lips the way water

flows down a stream

Or the way your hand fits perfectly in mine

the words just come out so quickly I barely have time

to process them

But I don't stop to think

I just let my mind go and go

I really like these things my mind comes up with sometimes

My mind is like a garden filled with poison soaked roses

So pretty but touch it and you could die

My mind a poisonous overgrown garden

Such beauty in this place yet such hatred too

I'm scared to enter my mind for I'm not sure if once

I enter I can leave again

It's as if stepping through the gates is like playing

Russian roulette with my sanity

Will the poison from these flowers become

to much and overpower the harmless good flowers?

I suppose I should separate the good flowers from the

poisonous flowers

The way I look at it all the flowers are beautiful in

their own way

I just wish I knew how to tame this overgrown garden

for if I knew how to tame it maybe my mind would be less of a mess

Would that stop the flow of my thoughts though?

Would that also kill all the other flowers?

The harmless flowers that did nothing but love and

be beautiful

Would they too die along with the poison-soaked

roses?

I suppose we will never know

Until I can tame this overgrown garden I will let the weeds

grow in whatever shapes and forms they wish as

I watch them grow into beautiful masterpieces before my eyes

Maybe enough of the good made from the bad will

transform all of the poison soaked roses into sun-kissed dandelions

What ifs?

Anxiety, anxiety is this horrible feeling that

something bad is always bound to happen and your body is always alert

Anxiety is this funny thing that's saying "what if"

some peoples are not as bad but I can feel my body

tremble with the fear of the unknown

I can feel my eyes blur as I try to focus on everything

around me as thoughts fill my head with "what if.." "what if.."

This feeling never stops it only subsides for a bit then

the next thing I know my body is tingling with fear and my lungs start to collapse and I claw at my neck for air but nothing will make the sweet air hasten to my call

Some people do not understand the feeling of every single nerve tingling

Your body's way of telling you something is about to

go wrong

Even if this is not true

Even if it was just your mother's warm palm against

your shoulder telling you to "have a good day." But you cannot hear her your mind is only focused on the what-ifs

What if she hits me

What if she hurts me

What if she asks to see the scars on my body

So I rip my body away from the warmth of her hand and I leave

For my safety is more important than her feelings so even though nothing was wrong I can't stop thinking about the "what ifs"

Glued on faces

What face today?

Number 6? No not enough yesterday it was number 2 because I could not get the energy to peel that one off

So I put on number 7

Happy but not to the point that it looks fake and my mother questions why I'm smiling tears of joy

I glue it down making sure it won't move

Making sure that my tears and day old makeup won't be seen under it

My mother does not question this face and for that I am glad

I don't want her to question it

Not that she would or could even fully grasp these tears

Telling herself that these sorrows and sadness and stuck feeling that I'm in is only a mere sickness and I will soon recover

But my recovery will not be fast

This journey will take months if not years

I put this face on so I don't have to worry that she will put the back of her hand to my forehead asking me if I am ill

Telling her that I was not sick did no good because she would just come up with another excuse to calm her mind

Her brain and heart in denial

Not wanting to come to terms with the truth of the matter which was that her small child would be sick for a long time

She does not know that this sickness has been eating me up for years but only now is it really coming out to play

Maybe one day I will have control of this sickness and it will not keep me in my bed all day and it will allow me to think happy thoughts and wish to be alive

But until this happens I will glue on face numbers 5-10

Orginal Monsters

Original monsters taste like depression

They taste like when I would lie in bed all day

never being able to lose the feeling that there were

weight like shackles connected to my body from every angle

They taste like when I could barely muster up a smile

and if I could get one to appear it would disappear

as fast as the snow that came for only a few seconds

Never being able to stick to the ground

The small bits of snow coming and giving you hope

then leaving when it felt like it

They taste like when every thing I had to do made me

cry making me think that I too like the dinosaurs would die

When everything was so overwhelming that I

had to get a blade to cut the worries away

Only telling them to come back another day cause yes

I knew they would come back but in that moment

that blissful moment all I felt was the stinging of the blade

almost like I was cutting everything away and as

I watched the crimson blood flow from my wrists it felt

as if the were problems leaving me body

They taste like when I would block the world out

with music filling my ears instead of the voices

and hate of my other peers or my own thoughts filling my head

so I would listen to the sweet nothings of the people with the same

problems and how they would come to overcome them

I could not feel my body

I felt as if I was not there and nothing could make

this feeling go away because everything still hurt

and I wasn't quite sure why

They taste like when the voices in my

head became to much so I would sleep all day everyone

becoming worried why I wasn't myself and why

I couldn't smile and why I couldn't laugh

So I would watch the crimson blood flow

from my wrists thinking that something was wrong with me

That had to be the answer right?

I mean why else would I hurt everyone with my presence

Why else would my own body and mind betray me

Unless there was something wrong with me

They taste like when I could not eat I could not force

the food into my body for it made me sick to just look at it

It made me feel bad about my body

So I starved myself hoping that maybe just maybe

I would die like the dinosaurs

Original monsters taste like depression

I can taste the depression on my tongue and

it brings me back to that time when my body was not mine

I can feel myself slowly slipping back into this feeling

but until I am fully there I will fake it because no one really cares

So I will drink original monsters until someone's cares enough to notice.

Voices

It's their fault

It's their fault not yours

They made you like this

They broke you down bit by bit til you were mere dust

But maybe not

Maybe I was always like this

I tell myself it's their fault

Then the voices come

Telling me I'm wrong

Telling me it's my fault

Stupid voice

Is it stupid or is it right?

Tired

tired, drowsily walking through the halls

Almost mindlessly

Turns, stairs they all seem so natural

Why am I so tired?

8 hours of sleep

9 hours of sleep

13, 000321 hours and Im still tired

Keep sleeping

Keep trying to feel awake

Without this sleepy fog falling over me

Maybe I should just sleep forever

Slipping away

Your body pressed to mine

Holding my body in place

Not letting me tremble with anxiety

As it often does

I do not move you for this feeling feels nice

This controlled feeling where I don't have to worry so I stay pinned in place waiting for your next move

You smile softly at me knowing this is what I want knowing that this is making my fears slip away

So you lean down and kiss my lips

I try to keep this feeling

Store it in my pocket in case I need it again

Only this feeling is not something that can be stored for it is only better in the present

But my body still pressed to the wall and his lips move to my neck

Slowly kissing every inch of it

His lips leaving an invisible mark

Sweet like honey and later I will touch my neck wondering if this all really happened

He looks into my eyes and I can feel a sense of peace I'm not really sure why

I hope this feeling will stay but alas things with such beauty would surely slip away

My hand reaches out to try to grasp it

But it moves to quickly

He kisses my lips again and a smile is there as he does so knowing that this

This was taking my fears away and maybe his too

s w i t c h

Flip the switch

On and off

Flipping that switch is like Russian roulette

Never knowing if it will turn back on

numb, but is it better that way?

Or is it better to feel to much

Both could result in death

But which is less painful

Flip the switch

p o e m s

Poetry, it has this sweet way of making sense of things

and sometimes the words just flow from my mouth like sweet honey

Even if the words are dark and they taste bitter

I do not have them stop

I allow them to continue to flow

People ask me how I am able to make the words come and how I am able to mold the words into different shapes and sounds and honestly I'm not quite sure

I do not force these words to come maybe it's just a gift that I was granted

either way I will take these words and

use them for good and mold them into beautiful artworks to be kept safe in someone's warm palms with tears glistening on their faces

Poetry.

Roses

The petals of a rose a bit like my sanity

with each falling petal a bit of it dying

So pretty at first when you stare at the red wine bleached roses then you look back a second later and see that the petals have turned black and everything has gone dark

Having you question what you did

Have you wondering what happened

and how it went wrong so quickly

The sleepless nights sitting up crying

wondering what you did wrong

And how it went wrong so fast

I guess I'll never know and maybe I'll just have to buy a new rose, a fake rose

No it's not the same but it's better then the questions that come with being rose-less

Brown eyed boy

Eyes as pretty as the fallen autumn leaves

You say you hate your eyes and you wish they were different

But I love them as they are

You ask me why I am looking at you like that and the truth is that I get lost in them sometimes and the time just stops

They look like old leather bound books and warm coffee on a cold day just like how your warm heart is open to me

I look in your eyes and I can see our adventures in the woods when I'll dance around in the brown and gold leaves reminding me of your beautiful eyes and how they caught my attention from the very start

How I remembered making a note of how pretty they were and wondering if like your kiss I could keep them for myself

So please never say you wish they were different because even though you might not like them

They remind me of so many beautiful things but most of all your warmth for me

d r o w n e d

I dreamt that I died

I was swimming at night in a deep blue lake

I could see the sky above me with all it's beautiful stars and I stared at them as I thought my life over

I went under the water and let it wash my sorrows away

Then with out really thinking I made the choice to breathe in the water and let it fill up my lungs

Letting it clean me on the inside as

I sunk slowly to the bottom and I reached my hand up to try and touch the stars

I sank to the bottom and hit the lakes floor

A soft smile placed it self on to my lips and one last breath left them

Then everything went black

Sleepless nights

It's night and I should be sleeping

But my brain keeps thinking

Never stoping to let me rest

Always something on my mind and I've grown used to the constant ticking in my head

I want to sleep but mind can only count reasons to stay awake

Night is the only time I can have any real peace

Night is when things are real

It's when the world is calm and quiet and you can really start to understand people

It's the time when no one bothers me and I can sit in my bed under my blanket and no one will tell me not too

It's the time I can write poems with out any eyes on me

I love stars and I love the sky but also wish I could just die because then it would be night all the time

Falling into darkness

Falling that's what it is

I can feel myself falling

Falling down into that dark place

It's terrifying really

Knowing where you're going but not knowing how to stop it

Or even worse not having the energy to stop it

I can feel the tears swell in my eyes as I think about my life and I can feel the sleep slip away as cry every thing into existence

Thinking about how I used to draw on my skin

Pretty little flowers

Smiley faces and so many other pretty things

But now those beautiful things have turned into deep cuts with blood dripping down my arms like the color of the flowers that once were

I'm so bad at this

I wish I could be good

I wish there was a course you could take in school that helps you navigate the scary things but instead I am stuck scratching at my arms in the middle of math class wondering what's gonna happen when I walk out those doors

Checking the clock and watching the seconds tick by

Wanting to go home but not wanting to be alone and feel the darkness come back and rush over me all at once

It all happens so quickly and as I smile and wave my friends good bye but as soon as I step into the coldness of my room

I fall to my knees and the tears that had been building up all day leave my eyes

Finally being free once more

I hate those feeling but I don't know what to do to stop it or even if there is a way to stop it

So I watch as I slip back to the darkness

I love

I love your touch

I love the way your hand softly caresses mine

I love the way you rest your head on my shoulder and you let your whole being become vulnerable

I love how I can spot you in a crowd without trying

I love how yours always on my mind and your image drives my body Insane

I love how your smile lights up my world and when I feel sad just the thought of you next to me makes it all go away

I love that every time your name pops up on my phone my stomach gets a funny feeling and I can feel the butterflies forming

I love how the scent of your hoodie calms me down when I'm in a dark place and I can't feel myself but your smell brings me back and I can feel my body again

I love how just the thought of you drives me crazy

I love your laugh and how it's contagious

I love the stupid things you do and say and they make me giggly everyday

I love that people always ask me why you and I could go on and on about why and how and every little thing you do that just warms my heart and makes my body sway to the sound of your voice

I love your goofy compliments that make me blush but I just smirk and say 'I know'

I love how your face turns red when I make jokes about what you say and you smile and hide your face

I love how I'm the first person you tell things to and how you can always come to me when you're sad

I love how when I wake up you're the first thing that comes to my mind and I wonder if you're alright

I love how you often drag me into trouble but I would get suspended a thousand times if it was with you

I love the fun adventures we have and how you can always put a smile on my face and blush on my cheeks

I love how you ruffle my hair when I walk away and how you kiss the top of my head before you leave for the day

I love how you ask me before you kiss me and how you try to get me to eat

I love how you try and get me to participate but I refuse and it just makes you laugh at my rebellion

I love how you ask me to make you bracelets and you wear them for a few days before they disappear and you ask for more

I love when I tickle you and you try to fight back but I know that you wouldn't hurt me in million years so I continue to attack you with pokes and prods

I love how I just want you to be happy and even if that wasn't with me I wouldn't be upset because as long and your happy that's what matter to me

Even if it rips me apart I want what's best for you but it makes me so happy that you want me and I want you

I love so many things about you that I think I could go on and on

I love you for you and no matter how much I wish I didn't love somebody so much I don't think I'll ever stop

Grow?

They say to grow through what you go through but I am not

I am disintegrating

I am weakening and my will to live is shrinking

They tell me to thrive but at the moment I am only trying to survive

I want to grow through what I go through but maybe I am not yet ready

Star dust in his hair

Keep your head up

But not in the clouds

Don't keep it so high that you touch the stars

Because they couldn't take that

Ripping him from his dreams that lie in the stars and they glare at him and his accomplishments as he just laughs while he shakes the star dust out of his hair

Smiling as they rip his dreams away because they don't understand them

So they replace his stars with plastic generic roses

He stares at them as he remembers the stars that he once touched and a tear slips down his cheek as he remembers the glittering sky

They hate him for the stars that are stuck in his hair while they are stuck with their generic roses

A promise that cant be kept

I want to release my pain

I want to let it all out

I want to claw at my body in all different places

But I promised myself I wouldn't

I know that I can not keep this promise for long but I try too

Is it bad I miss the lines of red running across my arms

I promised myself that I wouldn't let it get this bad

That I wouldn't have to reset the timer ever few hours

But the urge to see the beautiful crimson becomes to much and I give into it

It tells me pretty lies

It tells me that it can make me feel better

It tells me that it can make all the pain disappear

But only at a price and only for a second

And I know it lies but I pay in full with my sanity

I pay with the guilt that creeps through my veins as my loved ones gather around me and I sneak away to the bathroom to sign my sorrows away once more

I hate this deal I have made and I wish I could stop but a part of me doesn't want to so I promise myself I'll stop and never do

c h a o t i c m i n d

My mind is a funny thing

One moment I can be smiling ear to ear with my room filled with laughter

But then the laughter that once was, is replaced by my tears and groans of agony

One second I am skipping around the room with a smile

The next I am on the floor gripping my hair praying that it will all stop

My mind has a funny way of switching up on me

Never warning me before it lets the pain take over

But I'll be ok…

d a n d e l i o n s

Dandelions grow in the fields of my soul

Beautiful weeds that flourish and grow until they soon die but still as pretty as before

Then the white fluffy seads spread out through the fields to be planted as something new

Something greater

Internal voices

We're told that the voices our parents use are the voices we hear in our own minds

This makes since to me

It explains why I'm so so hard on myself

It explains why I yell at myself when the tears fall silently and unexplainably

I hate this voice in my head and I wish it would go away

I'm told to give it time

That in time the voices will stop

But I'm not so sure

Because this is how I talk to myself

I'm told to tell people what the voices say and that will ease the pain

I'm not sure that's true though

I think that will add more voices to the mix

More judgment and more hate

The fear of what they would say and how they would react

I should've just kept my mouth shut In the first place

That's what I was told and maybe he was right

Candle of love

Our love was like a candle

And you chose to blow out the flame

Seasonal love

Our love was as beautiful as the winter snow

As warm as a summer breeze

As delicate as the autumn leaves that fall to the ground because of a gentle breeze

As calming as the spring rain that comes and tells us everything's going to be ok and that the flowers will bloom again

But like these things it only lasted a short while

As short as a season

Faded over night and we woke up the next day as mere strangers

But this time we were strangers with memories

And In a way this hurt more then the goodbyes we told each other

d o n e

Over. Over as quick as it started

It's so childish how upset I am

For I am young and will love again

But I gave myself to you

I told you things no one else knew

You knew me like that back of your hand and could predict my every move

You were so ok with how it ended

So calm about it while I stood there screaming and the Lines on my arms appeared once more

As long as your happy

That's what really matters

As long as you are ok with what happened and how it ended

This is what I tell myself

But it still hurts so much...

u m b r e l l a

I knew what could happen

I knew what would happen

I knew how bad it would hurt when it ended but I ignored it all and went on loving you

I warned myself this would happen

I warned myself that the walls of our love would come crashing down like waves on the beach

Knowing all of this and knowing how bad I had been hurt before I still let you love me

I still let you in

I welcomed you into my heart and gave you every piece of me

But I watched your every move

I watched everything but I chose to ignore all the warning signs

Thinking that if I ignored them they wouldn't exist

But they were still there and they didn't just go away like I hoped they would

I don't think what I did was right either

I don't think it was right how I went on loving you even though there is still so much I don't know about myself and so much that I have yet to fix

The world warns us to not love another before we can love ourself

The world warns us not to lean on another's shoulder for they are human and our love will soon not be enough to ignore all their mistakes

But then there is the other part of the world

Which tells us to love whole heartedly because even if it fails and we fall apart into pieces as small as sand

We can still say we tried

We can say we tried to fix the broken pieces

We tried to glue them back together but there were to many pieces and I didn't have enough glue

But then there are the lucky ones

The ones who walk through the storm of their love and get out unscathed

They leave with only small water droplets stuck to their clothes

They made it out because their lover brought an umbrella

Their lover came prepared to fight the storm with them and therefor they both made it out

But I think I forgot my umbrella…

d e m o n s

Maybe we can try again one day

Try again when all the demons aren't so vast and plenty

Rules and boundaries

I had rules

I had boundaries

I planned to stop if anything got to be to much

But I didn't

I broke my own rules

I put aside my own boundaries

I broke them all

I broke everything I warned myself not too

Over one person

How could one person be so special that you go against everything you knew to be true

I thought that maybe it would be ok

that the rules I made were a little to strict

And that the boundaries were a little to much

Except they were there for a reason

They were there to keep me safe

But I'm not safe anymore

Promises

Promises are meant to be kept

But where's the fun In that

Right?

Stone cold

Words flow bitter on to the page

Words as cold as Ice

As hard as stone

Wishing that I could wish bad on you but

I can't bring myself to

Watching you walk by me without a hint of regret

Makes my heart hurt and I cry into the emptiness that is the world

My heart turning as cold as stone

Along with the words that now flow

Games and lies

Watching you walk by me with out even a second glance

Watching you smile and be happy even though I would've given you so many chances

The universe let me go

For it knew I would not leave on my own

So it pushed you away util you were no more

But I only wish we could've lied and played our silly games a little bit longer

Thief

Every time you walk by I still get butterflies

And every time you accidentally meet my eyes, my face heats up and I immediately look away

When something happens I still look around to see if you saw what I saw

Every time something happens to me I must resist the urge to run up to you and tell you everything

The feeling of talking to someone everyday to them avoiding you when they walk by

The thought that you're still the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing on my mind as I drift to sleep

In my eyes you're still perfection like you've always been

But I know this isn't true

Because you lied to me

You stole everything and now I have nothing and my pockets our empty

But still

I didn't think it would end so soon

Changing seasons

I said love changes like the seasons

But every season that comes back is somehow still the same

Just like how you are coming back into my life and I can't tell if I should be afraid of the snow that will soon fall

Or if I should embrace the warm summer breeze that sweeps through my soul when you're around

Seasons are so confusing why can't the universe just pick one?

Cracked heart

Your eyes brown and soft

Reminding me of unread books in libraries as old as time

And autumn leaves that fall to the ground and crumble at the slightest touch

They remind me of cinnamon sticks and warm tea on a cold day

They remind of running through the woods

they remind me of mushrooms and soft corduroy and I honestly see your eyes in everything

Everything has something to do with you

Everything reminds me of you

It doesn't matter what it is you still find a way to seep into my mind through the cracks of my heart

But you helped make those cracks?

Prison of my mind

Locked in the prison that is my mind

The key no where and sight

And i wish it was for if it was

I would unlock this prison and run far away from here

People tell me that I do not want to die

That I only want to solve the problems that lurk inside

And the first step to this is to find the key

For the key tells me how to escape and once I find it I will once again want to stop and smell the flowers and watch there pretty buds bloom

Maybe then I wouldn't be so concerned about the lies that fall from someones lips and I would care more about myself and tending to my own garden

I have hope that I'll find the key out of this prison one day

And when I do I will run far from this place

but then one day I will come back

One day I will come back and I'll step into this prison willingly

I'll run my fingers down the cold rusted over iron bars

Then I'll lock the door

I'll sit there and study what hides in crevices and holes in this strange place and once I know all that I feel is necessary I will unlock lock the door once more

Stepping back into the world to explore once more

But I'll never forget where I came from and how I came to open the doors

But until then I stay locked in my prison still searching for the key

Deserving

You deserve to be someone's first choice You deserve to be the only person they see

You deserve to be picked always

Not just when it's only you

Not just when they want some thing

You deserve to be picked in a room full of people

You deserve to be picked with out hesitation

With out even a moment of thought

You deserve it all

v a s e

Relationships are like vases

They can hold such beautiful blossoming flowers

But once the vase is broken it is better to leave it as it is

For while trying to mend the vase you will only cut yourself on the broken glass

Do not dwell on the flowers that once were

It is better to move on

Some things are just to far gone

g u i l t

Guilt runs deep through my veins

Though guilt is not the only thing

For scars run deep and issues run far and plenty

Blood drips from the these internal scars and a soft exhale leaves my lips

The guilt filling me up until I am over-flowing with it

To much to bare and the cycle continues

I carry to much but I can't set it all down for if I do I can feel the guilt come back

Either way I feel guilty

How stupid

Forest creatures

Moss grows thick in the trees that lie in the cold moist forest

A forest that runs far and wide

With streams of cold flowing water and little frogs that splash in the water

The little pixies dance around among the leaves of the trees and the elves that come in the night, wait til dusk to slip out of there caves and collect the pixie dust

Sparkling glitter that fall off the pixies as they dance there native dance

Falling to the ground waiting to be collected by the forest elves

Who scurry around to gather the dust before it flies away in the wind

Drifting away to another place where someone will gather it up themselves

The elves fear for this for they know not what this stranger would do with the glittering dust

For man is scary and scared the elves should be

In the forest of glittering dusts, pixies, and elves, the frogs that splash and the wondering flowers

This is a beautiful forest full of life and wonder

Not yet corrupted by poison and greed

s c r e a m i n g

No one can hear the yelling in my head

The constant screaming

The never ending banging of loud objects

Wars are going down inside of me and no one would ever know

No one would know that I cry myself to sleep most nights

No one would know that hearing a certain string of words send me into a state of fear where I can't feel my own body

No one would know how easily I break down

Slowly melting into the floor

My body a shaking mess

Tears stain my cheeks and I scream

But this time the outside world can hear it too

c h a o s

Distant from the world

The world seems fuzzy like it's all covered in a soft mist

A stranger to myself

Lost in empty thoughts

Staring at the white crisp wall

Memories from an outsiders perspective and I question my reality

Things come out of my mouth and I don't remember why

Things come out of my mouth that don't seem like mine

Banging my head against the bathroom wall

Slipping out of the classroom so I can try and catch a breath

Staring in the mirror

Watching my movements and the force of truth hits me like a train as I remember that I am alive and here on this earth

Even though things do not seem real

Even though teachers teach me and I watch with a blank expression as I ask myself over and over again if they are real

Even though people seem so far away and objects seem distorted

Even though I sit and stair at a chair wondering if I could touch it

Chaos runs through my mind the way water flows down a stream

Is it even me writing this for you?

Dancing with the wind

The crisp air moves slowly

So slow I would think that it is ice

It grazes me softly and a chill is sent through my body

The wind messes with my hair and I giggle

If you listen close enough

You can hear the music of the woods whistle through the trees

The trees move side to side

They dance to its music and I sway with the trees

Birds fly high up in the sky

Flipping and diving through the cold crisp air

Air that could be cut through with a knife

Also dancing around the trees

Teasing the leaves and watching them shake

Everyone dancing to the beat of the earth

I sit on my tree trunk which is leaning over the solid lake

Watching them all dancing and smiling

One day I'll dance like that.

m e m o r i e s

I miss you

Well I miss who you were really

I miss the singing

I miss the dancing

I miss the waking up in the morning to the smell of warm food

I miss the walks we would take

And the tales we would tell

The trading gossip and smiling about it

The happy moments

Things can not stay good forever though

After the singing would come yelling

After the dancing would come hitting

After the warms smells of food would come throwing the food out of the window because something wasn't quite right

After the walks we would take I would slip into my room

Silently walking by them both

Waiting for the yelling start

And the scary stories would become real life

The things that you promised wouldn't happen turned from a fallacy that walked the land of the unknown to stepping into my house and saying hello

All the happy moments slipping away to become a dream of yesterday

A list running longer than my dreams

How can one person hate so much about themself?

I question it so often,

How can I hate the body I live in?

If someone asked me what I hated about myself the list would go on and on.

I hate my feet and they way they don't point as I wish they would

I hate my legs and how pale they are.

I hate my knees and the way they're shaped.

I hate my thighs 'cause when I sit down they flatten out and take up the seat.

I hate my stomach and the way it rolls.

I hate my chest and how it is

Just it existing puts me through hell.

I hate my arms and how skinny and frail they are.

I hate my collar bone and how it sticks out.

I hate my neck and long it is.

I hate my ears and how the heat runs through them and they turn a shade of red.

I hate my chin for it's shape.

I hate my smile and how my teeth show through.

I hate my hair and how flat it gets.

I hate my eyebrows and how they thin out at the end, leaving people to wonder if I shaved them when I was younger.

I hate my voice and how when I talk it goes up three octaves.

I hate my laugh and the way it rings through the room.

The list goes on and on and these are only physical things.

I wonder if I could wake up one day and all this pain would go away.

If I could walk on the clouds and look at how things used to be.

But stuck on the ground with my horrible feet I question my own sanity.

Blood and ink

Blood stains the pages of the book

Words written in the blood

A story in every cell

And a word in every atom

Told to write them a story

Told to tell them my thoughts and feelings

The things that keep me up at night

The things that I love

The things that I hate

Everything's there

Just not always in the blood

I guess I forgot to mention that there is also ink

Black ink splatters the page next to blood

The black ink tells you the likes

The dislikes

Everything in one's personality that is seemingly normal

But the blood is still there

It itches to be read

But only few can understand it's crimson words

Only few can read the stories it tells and the lies it's heard

The people who hurt it and the constant screaming

Oh screams echo through the blood

A beautiful song to be heard

But still only few know it's tales

The adventures it's been on

And the things it's seen

The journeys it's travels

And the loved ones lost

The ink and blood can not mix but together they weave together a beautiful tale

But the blood still came from the wrist of what was thought to be a child.

p a i n l e s s

He asks me what I want

What I crave more then anything in the world

I stare at the wall for a moment

When I realize what I truly want I start to cry

I start "I want.."

"I want to not be in pain any longer"

I want to be happy

I want to not cry at the sight of someone

I want to not be fearful at the sound of someones voice

I don't want there to be flashbacks running through my mind and scaring me once more

I want to be able to sleep at night

I want to be able to go places with out worrying who will be there and who I might run into

I want to not makes jokes about the pain

I want to smirk and it be real

I want to not get hot and sweaty when I am triggered

I just want to be happy.

Monster in the dark

As children we come to fear the unknown

The soft rustling in the dark

The hushed whispers that find there way out of a cracked closet door

The shadow man that creeped around your room in the dead of night

And most famously the monster under the bed

The thing that caused you to turn the lights off quickly and jump into bed with your feet tucked under your legs

Straight under the covers you went

Making sure he who was under the bed would have no small toes to feast on that night

But after a while we grew out of these fears

Started to walk to the bed and plop down however we saw fit

Not bothering to shut the closet door and it stayed wide open

The shadow man did not exist and we knew this now

Out of our childish ways and no longer scared of things that were said to not exist

I don't think these monsters ever left us though

It seems as if we only learned to cope with them

After a while we forgot about them and their whispers meant nothing

Knowing what they were they could no longer scare us

At least not as much

For they were just us

The part of us we did not know

The fear of the unknown

The uncertainty in our own skills

And lack of knowledge

But knowing what they are we no longer have to be afraid

Telling myself to go away and that I knew who I was

Or at least I would one day

The fear of the unknown still whispers in my ears and it's cold breath sends a chill down my spine

But I'm not afraid anymore

So ill leave the closet doors wide open

And I'll leave the room pitch black

and leave my feet dangling over the bed

A sense of pride in the power I held over my own self

The accident

Life use to be nice

It used to be ok

But one day there was an accident

11:25pm in a hospital room

A baby was born

It was dark and a soft breeze blew through the city

The baby cried and the stars smiled

This baby would be the death of himself

But the stars smiled at him

They whispered to each other and gaped at the sight of him

They knew the baby's fortune but could not tell him

He would find out on his own

He would be his own down fall

Dysphoria

Dysphoria.

It's so hard to explain

And so complex in itself

Yet I feel it everyday so why can I not spell it out too you

Dysphoria is like wearing you shoes on the opposite feet

It's like wearing your shirt backwards and inside out

It's your body feeling itchy

It's sitting a certain way and feeling something you don't like

It's screaming and yelling because your uncomfortable but you can't do anything about it

It's the ache in your chest

And a pounding in your head

It's the hearing your voice and not talking for hours because you can't bare to hear it ring

It's remembering what you really are and losing your appetite for days

It's remembering what you are and losing yourself in the process

It's remembering what you are and your friends asking if you're alright because it looks like you've been crying

It's the clothes fitting to tight

It's the people reminding you

It's the pictures you take

And the words you say

It's your hands

It's your legs

It's the dresses and your lips

It's the curve of your face and the length of your hair

It's anything and everything that reminds you of what you want to ignore

It's me.

w r o n g

Everything's upside down,

And inside out,

Twisted,

And turned all around

Internal peace

So close yet so far

I can see it but I can't touch it

Slowly getting farther and farther away

Running towards this thing that is untouchable, unreachable

I get tired and take a break

"Get up and keep going" they say

Tired so tired

Can I keep running?

Can I keep going?

They want me to keep running

Im a lab rat

Stuck in this maze we call life

The end of the maze so far

Internal peace is so far

Maybe to far

Butterflies and raindrops

Butterflies and raindrop

The calm before the storm

The sweet majestic butterfly flaps it's soft wings only once more

The rain falls softly

Small little droplets wet the earth

Barely leaving a sound

Then the raindrops fall harder

The sky gets cold and the earth weeps

What once was a rainbow is now a dark black sky

Butterflies and raindrops

The fluttery feeling in your stomach

Then the harsh pain you feel as raindrops hit your skin

Leaving bruises and marks

The butterfly is gone now

And we're not sure when he'll return

The rain hits the ground hard

And I fear for the thunder

h o n e y

A warm liquid rushes down my arms

Making me smile

It rushes from my veins

Sweet like honey

Lightbulbs

Sometimes I lie awake at night

It's dark and my body is cold

Thinking about the ways I could do it

Wondering if I should

I know we have dark days

I know that sometimes the lights bulbs burn out in our worlds

I think about everyone's words

I think about how people say if I died they would be broken

How the light that shines from me would no longer burn bright

I think about this but the only

Thing that burns at the moment is my arms

The burning sensation when I stand in the shower

I lie awake at night thinking what more is there for me to do

After a while people would forget me and everything would be fine

the lights have been out for so long I don't have the motivation to get new bulbs

I understand life is so much more then a bad day

But it's been a bad day

Then a bad week

Then a bad month

Then a year

And night after night

Year after year

Voices echo and tears fall and I'm not quite sure what to do

I know it's not the answer

I know that it's something that can't be taken back

A chapter in a book you can't turn back too

But maybe I should burn the book

Cast it away

Throw it in the ocean

Just get rid of it

The lights of my world have burned out and so has the fire in my eyes

Everything's fine I say

Even though I haven't eaten

I haven't slept

The lines on my wrist are back and I'm so scared of what's next

I'm terrified of what's to come

Every waking moment my body trembles

Sleep isn't safe and the nightmares stay

I fear for the night and the day

I don't know what to do anymore

If I'm lucky a good day will come and I'll be able to turn the lights back on

I'm not going to do it

But sometimes I wish I would

A/N See you in the next collection.