Anxiety: As A Lover

when the daylight has been smudged

from the sky—with aching shades of

black and gray—i hear her voice

whisper to me—the sweetest sounds

of dreaded fear

dreaded desire—pounding—

pleading, probing—

in the soft space behind my eyes.

there is never any warning when

she comes to call for me, only the

briefest of flashes—the midnight-stained

viscous strings of terror—

wrapped around my awaiting throat.

my chest constricts inside itself—

my heart weighted by its own

thunderous beats—

my bones feel leaded—

carved from marble—

and I slowly drown inside myself.

she coos, and chuckles, and whimpers,

into my deafening ears—

her fingernails cut into my tenderness,

and I scream within the hollow

valleys of my own possessed body.

my tears melt against her tongue,

and I can taste them in her frozen kisses.

bittersweet pleasures from an unloving host—

hands that soothe, and shatter—

lips that tease with succor—

with scorn.

with a shaking breath—

her body entangled with mine—

stuck in purgatory between

exaltation or exploitation—

she has dissipated back into the sky—

the effervescent spectral

of an intangible lover.

she has freed me of my shackles—

released me from my glass-walled cell,

and yet—the memory of her sinister grin

keeps my lungs ablaze—

keeps my breath hostage—

i will come back for you, soon.

a quiet promise—

a quaking threat—

i am hers until I have the strength

to be my own again.

Xandra Winters © 2021

Previously Published On Medium