anti-hero

i have this thing where i get older but just never wiser.

i learned i can make all my deepest fears come true

well, it’s not exactly like that

no spells and magic powers

its like, i wake up in the middle of the night and i can’t breathe under the weight of you leaving

except, you’re not leaving

i just thought you were.

and i begged and i bartered and i got down on my knees and prayed to gods i don’t even believe, and you just stared at me.

because you weren’t leaving (except maybe now you wish you were.)

i sound insane, i’m well aware, but i can’t make it stop

believe me, i’ve tried

it's like, well, you know Taylor Swift’s anti-hero ?

it’s like that.

thats why i used her lyrics as the first line.

did you catch that? see what I did there?

cos I can only tell you what I’m feeling through barely thought-out poems, or another woman’s words.

silly, i know, for the girl who's supposed to know all about feelings

god, how i wish i could write like her

how i wish my pain could be beautiful, my scars worthy of art.

dazzling

instead all i have is this

half-spilt tears, poems i’ll never finish, things i’ll never say

things i can’t take back

and my words shoot to kill when i’m mad

more like a poorly thrown punch

i’ll break my knuckles trying to break your teeth

i have a lot of regrets about that.

that’s just how it is, with me. i’ll get jealous of a woman ten times my size

jealous of things i’ll never be tall enough to reach, just because, things i don’t even want.

cos i’d hate to be famous, you know.

i think i just want to be seen.

i say i don’t care and i pray again you’ll see right through me. but i’ll never tell you how i really feel.

it’s horrible, isn’t it?

i am the problem.

i’ll think that you hate me until you do.