An Ode to The Disorder:

Introduction: I began writing this story poem mid-decade and kept editing it, refining it, adding to it. It is a story, ultimately, of man’s more than inhumanity to wo/man – and the mess that people can make of lives. There are always reasons – upon reasons upon reasons – for behaviors, but many of them simply should not be tolerated. But, because I do ask the question about reasons, I also asked myself: Why do I want to publish this...? What I am hoping is that if this poem resonates at all with anyone who is on the receiving end of abuse, that it will underscore two things for you: 1) if you feel something, believe yourself, and, 2) that bad and mean and abusive behavior is just that - and should not be tolerated for any reason. If you can, as you can, how you can... draw your boundaries. Early. And keep them there. Get the help you need. Be strong. I have learned bunches. Hopefully, this will help someone else. So now it’s time to set her free…

You start out well

You start out fine

So pretty, charismatic, so talented, so kind

Of course, we all wanted you to be “mine”

*

You worked so hard, so wanted success

We worked hard too – we all wanted the best

We saw what was possible, achievable, true

We saw what you, with our backing, could do

*

But then, for some reason, it was time to make your amends

For what you'd been calling love for your friends, but…

Do you think what we think just might depend

On your arrival at a place that put us ‘round the bend?

*

To be used, abused, discarded, and crushed

To be made fun of, depleted, deleted, robbed, and discussed

You decided (as always) to play it your way.

Now, just, you’re a wee gone... and all we can say is: “Hey…”

*

You got what you wanted – you got it your way,

You told me as such -

By stepping on backs of all whom you touch

Including the crazies - as you call them - and such

*

Like S plus her crew who are old and just fight

According to you, they can’t seem to get anything right,

And “can you imagine,” you said, “growing up as her seed!?”

(I can’t imagine it could be worse than you make others’ bleed!)

*

There’s S2 of course and T (who you know)

And then, too, Dr. A (who really should go!)

There's me and ol' E, of course, who've you've said are crazy, as well,

And M and R – shall we go through them all? (And, oh, about H – what’s wrong with her face!)

*

According to you, they can all go to hell-as long as you've gotten what you wanted, I see

You'll play us all 'til all that's left is your fee

And fame, of course, let’s not forget that

For achieving that, you get one more pat!

*

The second act started out well, it started out fine

I was clear and upfront, I did draw the line

I said: I cannot help as much as you want, as you know

I’m booked solid – I’m tired – but will do what I can to make it a go.

*

You know how I cared, and you knew I would try

I’d done all that I’d said up ‘til then; I don’t lie.

“My dream,” you had said, “will not cost you a thing,

I promise you this: a nightmare for you it surely won’t bring.”

*

But right at the outset, scared that you’d fail

You needed someone to push off the rail

You told someone there to assist

That I'd lost you a contract that didn’t exist

*

While you chose to expose my most personal facts

And, as well, and again, my family’s most personal acts

What have you done after all that I did?

I was no longer able to keep on the lid

*

What you did shook my faith, the world under me crumbled

I coped best I could, while my core rumbled

I made my mistakes, it’s certainly true

But what you did to me, I'd never have done to you

*

I worked ‘til my hands bled

(your plan “worked!” you’d told me)

I worked until I finally saw red

Only to have you hold that against me

*

You can blame it on this, and blame it on that

All I wanted and needed was an ol’ fashioned chat

You refused to talk, but… perhaps afraid I would squawk

Sweet nothings arrived, and boy could you talk!

*

I could not make their sense; I don’t know what these are

Perhaps they let you move away, move away far

Or allow forgiveness of yourself by placating me

Maybe I do understand, these I can see

*

I will try, I will try, I will try just to be,

But do we truly not know, yet, that silence is key

To locking away our goodness and grace?

I never knew I could fill this new space!

*

But the ongoing lying, the spying

The meanness and hacking

The unwelcome messages

That have no one’s backing

*

All this has destroyed all the sweet feelings for you

It has created disgust, we are far more than just blue

We are hurt and angry, sickened, and spent

We feel like saying, “Just go and get bent.”

*

Yet, my heart still breaks for you when I allow it

(It breaks for me as a regular diet)

Perhaps you don’t know what you do, or know what you’ve done

Perhaps… But either way, this really is enough, it’s really no fun

*

Me (if you’d ask)? I will continue to feel,

I will continue to heal

But you broke my heart and nearly my spirit

And I struggled and struggled and still struggle to mend it

*

What a shame… for the first time in my life, revenge – I’m so near

It’s the flip side of love, I thought you a friend!

You know - yes you know - that I’d still offer the cup

But I am finally, finally quite done with being set up

*

You told me early on, before it got bad

That those closest to you end up leaving and being so sad

They try just to reach you, they try just to care

But end up somewhere else, somewhere out there

*

Now I understand what you told me

I understand why and how

This story’s been a long one

Boy oh boy, Holy Cow!

*

So, to deal you send "wishes" to pay us all back

With what you think is important to us (that's your tac)

But we didn't even get a minor share, not even a bit of a sup

Because you'd finally (Finally! Oh Finally!) come up...

*

But must have been scary up there

With people around who knew what you've done

To have arrived at “Control”

Where you have so much fun

*

Before, all you had to do was just steal

Before it was personal but now it's for real!

Oh joy, oh joy, you can make everyone think

You did it alone, but boy does it stink

*

It reeks of manipulation

And badmouthing and scum

If you had less going for you

They'd call you a bum

*

But let's call it love

Just to be kind

It's amazing to us

It has not blown your mind!

*

But perhaps it has done

Just exactly that

You've done to us, after all

What you did to the cat

*

That poor cat you taunted and tortured with glee

Do you really think

We just cannot see

How used and abused and manipulated are we?

*

You clearly endured for so long, gee!

(I truly, truly wish it did not have to be)

And now, and now…and now…

So have we

*

You put him away, away for a long time

Your story is worth more than this simple rhyme

But you won’t tell it so that it’s true, to deal with the issues, and heal true-blue, and…

We’ve waited too long – with the bad things you do, we are now poised to get back at you

*

Now perhaps as your final act

You’re trying to convince me to make a firm pact

To never harm you, never say what is true, and once and again, come to your rescue

And you get to continue what it is that you do

*

Yet while you do that – try to commit me to silence

You post information that is so full of lies and

You continue to inflate what you’ve done

Doing your best to leave me outside, to burn in your sun

*

While you brand yourself “altruistic” and “fair-minded”

I cannot fathom how those words for you get founded

Shall we now tell the whole tale right here, right now

So that we can finally get truly grounded?

*

This is another story of the frog posing as king

I present the spin of another's tale that’s based on nothing

The imagination that is useful when the aim is poison

But this must now all be given back or otherwise stopped, son…

*

‘Cause there’s no responsibility taken or words of apology

With so many tales, I could write an anthology

There’s a base in misology

Or maybe it’s misogyny

*

You have repeated the cycle…

We wanted to believe you were better than that

We wanted to see the good things you could do

Instead, you made us all your door mat

*

But let's call it love

Just to be kind

Because we think, no, we now know

You’re just driving blind

- Pamela J Pine