Alone at 4 a.m.

i do it because it doesn’t make me feel

and to feel is to be human

i crave my humanity

but it comes at a price

to feel is to accept

the damage that I’ve done

but how do you feel when you don’t know what that is?

to feel guilty for the lies

to feel angry when its warranted

to feel the intensity of love

to feel whole without fear

to feel forgiveness for myself?

that’s what stops me

i’m afraid to let them flow

to unpack the emotions i fake so well

for once in my life wanting to be authentic

for the tears to fall for the right reasons

i want to feel

but i don’t want it to destroy

self destruction comes so easily

when you don’t know any better

and that’s why i choose

not to feel anything

for nothing feels far better

than feeling everything