Almost

I almost called you today.

I almost dialed your number, almost waited for you to answer.

I almost called you and told you that I loved you, that I still loved you.

I almost called to ask about your day, your week, your months since we last talked.

I almost lost it at the sound of your voice.

I almost couldn't handle the sweet lightness of it, the tenderness of a woman I loved in it.

I almost lost myself to emotion because of the thought of you.

But.....

As I stared at my phone I heard the negatives.

I almost lost myself to how happy you sounded without me.

I almost became upset to your cold, abrupt tone, your choice of biting words

I almost lost myself to your anger and bitterness toward me.

And I almost died at the thought of you not answering.

Today....

It is a struggle of degrees...of steps.

It is a struggle of the wants and desires to reach out to you again.

It is a day of almosts.

It is almost over and I have not called.

I have not dialed your number, listened to the tone, allowed anticipation to fill my heart.

I have worked; silently, efficiently.

My heart screams but my head continues on.

Almost over, almost done, almost there....it says reassuringly to a part of myself that won't be quiet.

I am almost over it, almost past it all. Just a little longer, keep your head up.

In this day of almosts...I am almost recovered.