Alien Yelp Review: Earth Galactic 4 ★☆☆☆☆

I set off intergalactically for an off-grid Earth staycation,

For oceans blue and mountains tall, excited for that station.

Instead I found a madhouse globe where leaders like to tweet,

A dumpster fire on a global scale, it’s no yoga retreat.

Arrival

I landed with a cosmic thud, they left me in the lurch,

The locals filmed and pointed phones, one offered me some merch.

They asked if I was Uber Eats, or maybe Amazon,

I sighed – “I crossed twelve galaxies… and this is what goes on?”

Lodging

Hotels? A cosmic comedy – the fees could choke a star.

They charge for doors, for pillows thin, for water from a jar.

I asked if breakfast came with room – they laughed, “It’s extra, dude.”

Irradiated coffee? “Good gravity that’s rude!”

Food

The dining scene was baffling: all sugar, grease, and corn.

A salad meant some wilted leaves, it wasn’t tastebud porn.

They deep-fried cheese, they deep-fried air, they deep-fried even shoe,

Then told me rather proudly that the turkey was tofu.

Transport

They get around in metal beasts that bounce along the ground.

The horns all honk, the fumes all rise, and patience can’t be found.

Their “trains” collapse, their “planes” get lost, their buses cough and wheeze,

And still they brag, “Our system’s fine!” I cried, “Don’t kid me, please.”

Entertainment

They sell you dreams in flashing lights, all glitter, gloss, and spin,

Out comes the wine, beneath the sign, where fame just some will win.

The scripts are bought, the stars are sold, the morals cost a fee,

It’s popcorn, smoke, and mirrors – but referred to as “TV.”

Locals

The people? Endlessly confused yet certain they are right.

They blindly argue on their screens from morning until night.

Half believe the world is flat, half think it’s all a scam,

They seem to worship inboxes and tin cans full of spam.

Climate

The oceans rise, the forests burn, the storms grow in velocity,

Paper straws in plastic lids just reek of their hypocrisy.

They build resorts on sinking coasts, they sell you “eco tours,”

Then pave the trash with shopping malls and kill for tusks and furs.

Culture

Their art is bright, their music loud, their dances quite a sight,

But most are stolen artifacts they claim they made outright.

They build museums full of loot and call it “human pride,”

While selling dolls of pop stars that the children deify.

Final Review

So here’s my note, oh Council wise: this trip was quite hell bent.

They promised lakes and meadows, but then charged a mint for rent!

This trainwreck has a station: it is Earth Galactic 4.

It’s just not worth the money, so my review is very poor.

One star – my Earth experience was brutal overall.

The hotel sucked, the food was bland, the people have the gall!

Advise no further tourists here; let Earth just run its course,

For madness is the Soup du jour – ego their Trojan horse.

Filed by: Sarvok the Somber, Galactic Traveler, Sector 9.