Affliction, Ascension, Redemption

I seen a bright light as my ascension began,

Swirling through the clouds as if I was air through a fan.

The proverbial white light was not as I imagined,

More so a slow ticking clock, that froze time when it happened.

Dull at first but glowing brighter, stronger, evolving - transcendent,

Shifting through life cycles and stages, through acceptance, repentance.

My spirit was trapped within a physical body, Like an inmate closed behind a cell or a viral antibody.

Finally free from mental burden, ailments and addiction,

You see, I was cursed both in blood and by birth with an inescapable affliction.

That shiny steel needle was my god, my peace and my only savior,

I liked playing Russian Roulette with my life, my split personality my best friends with their outlandish behavior.

The excitement and spin to be a new character each day,

The feeling is similar to a child anticipating which friend that day would come out to play.

The difference is that I was knocking on the devils door,

Would my drug of choice today be a little lamb or a laced lion with a huge roar?

Pushing limits to access, wanting more in my stomach and always up my nose,

In my lungs, not my arm but instead injecting the neck or toes.

They say guilt and shame consumes your heart,

But not when your surrounded by those who play a part.

Hustling for food and my next fix,

Two sleeves and two pants filled with lies and manipulative tricks.

Incarceration was fun, my vacation - reset and detox,

Networking, connections, the best on B block.

I am not saying my way was right but it was definitely for me,

Something ma and sissy couldn’t understand, they just couldn’t see!

I always anticipated the white light but was weary of the red from hell,

Pondering, wondering will the fallen Angel come to get me or the crypt keeper ringing his bell?

As my heart pulsed venom throughout each vein,

I slipped into my realm of comfort, to the only place I felt sane.

Brain and Body still, heart begins to slow,

1:03 am last breathe, do I have a choice to stay or go?

The ticking clock had stopped, time still, my spirit swirling invisible - unseen,

No red, nor white light - mine was just green.

Not surprised, just like I lived - misfit that never followed the rules,

Don’t save me, just accept me - please, no doctors or tools!

Well, they tell you red is hell and white is sure heaven,

Existing in green is in between - a place until the damned are forgiven.

For me, in the in between, it is not so bad,

I feel strength and clarity, not at all sad.

I am not at peace yet, but one day I hope to be,

Green lights, no fright I am floating around free.

For those I left I know it’s not the same,

It is okay to hate me, I will take all your anger and blame!

I love you all so much and I am still by your side,

Instead of living my curse with me, I am now your whisper - your guide!

I will give you hints to show you I am here,

A cardinal, a green light, my namesake - a Sam Adams beer!

My story is not over, it has just begun,

I am in the rain in the clouds, with the fish in the lake and each ray of the sun.

Some don’t believe what they cannot see,

You didn’t - you couldn’t while I was alive, but now trust in me.