a pink chameleon in shades of darkness on a broad spectrum

As a child, I was awake more than I slept. I began to discern the different variations in the colors of the darkness. Finding just enough light in the darkness to see things differently has always been my survival skill. To many, they looked the same, but to me, they were different; I just didn't know the name.

I was her favorite party favor. When she left me alone on the beach at parties, I found comfort from my fear when finding the variations in the darkness of the ocean blues. When the hot light tan sand of the day cooled to the dark wet sand of the night, I could feel the weight of its cold hues.

They were angry men. They took it out on those around them in shades of red. The red in our skin they hated, the red of the bowl of spaghetti shoved into a child's face, the red of the blood when he hit with pain, and the red hues of hair when it was dyed from black to blonde in shame.

I learned to become a color softener like the women I watched. I became an expert beyond my years at turning the red to pink. Pink like a small flower on a spring day, as pink as my innocence when it was repeatedly taken away.

The way the world is painted as a child creates a pattern for years to come. I repeated the patterns for most of my life, blessed and cursed by a constant vigilance of all the nuances in the colors around me. I learned to pretend to see less, to pick a color to blend in. I became what I needed, always soft pink underneath, a color changing chameleon.

The need to paint a new picture came. It came in shades of white, as lesions on a medical test in a sterile white room shared with me by a doctor in a white coat. I could choose to have a blank canvas, but the canvas came with limitations. I could choose someone else's color, the same old patterns, or bolder colors with determination.

It took more than a few erasers and crumpled papers to repaint the picture I wanted going forward. I no longer wanted to be waiting for someone to color me as I sat, soft and pink, surrounded by a world I pretended was only in shades of gray. I began a new masterpiece, with the knowledge of a broad palette from all the variations of color I've seen along the way,

I found myself in shades of yellow, among the warmth, hope, and sunflowers seeking the light as much as I found myself in the richness and boldness of all the colors of the night.

I found myself in shades of turquoise, among the sky, a breath of fresh air, in honor of my ancestry as much as I found myself in the richness and the coolness of the woods and the sea.

I am proud of my ability to see a broader spectrum of color, to look at it all, in its darkness and light, as a work of art. I am here because of it.