A Motel Morning

The light starts to creep in through the curtains as I lay awake in the dark

It's 5:30 in the morning and I haven't been to sleep yet

I'm two days in on a three day binge and wondering how I got here

I try to think of things that will calm me to sleep

The rain

The birds singing outside

The quiet noise of people walking up the hall

But nonetheless, I am left wondering about everything I've done

Every mistake, every choice I've ever made plays in my head like a movie

Over and over it plays while I try to hit pause

I try to hit stop

Even rewind doesn't work

I lay here and try to think of good things but all I can see is darkness

All I can hear is my side of every conversation I've ever had

I know the other side of every argument

Of every passionate fight

But it's like the other side has hit the mute button

Like everyone is whispering their words too low for me to hear

But I answer anyways

Like I'm deaf and speaking to people that I can't even see

I try to picture something good

Something positive

But the picture isn't clear

It's a blur of something that could be something

It's a blind spot in my mind that I desperately want to see

But I can never make it out

You see, I can only see the bad things

I can see the dark images as the bad thoughts repeat in my head

So vivid, like the very first time

And every time, I can feel the images as if they're playing out in real time

I've seen how I die more times than I can count

A car crash

A dog attack

A mistake in woodshop

A rollercoaster accident

Like all of these things are waiting

Haunting me until the time is right

Like everything is waiting for me to slip and make a mistake

I can see the worst things

But I can't fathom so much as a smile from the back of my mind