A million things

a million times I have thought about getting married but I don't think it will ever happen to me-

a million times I have thought about him

a million different ways,

a million different

touches

looks

scenarios

tones

feelings

pains

pleasures

'in betweens'

a million different things I could say

and in what tone I say it and in what way I say it

And what if I said nothing?

Did nothing?

Would it matter?

Yes.

I think it would.

But when I obsess

I know I

start to (re)consider him as more than

an enemy

because who else would I consider

to be like a

partner

(in crime)

or like a

partner for a

(lover)

or maybe it's both

or maybe one day

a million thoughts will cross his mind

and convey in his eyes

like they do with mine

(but do i still hide it i do not know)

because what we have, has become

more than a dangerous child's game

and it involves a million solutions/problems/plots and a million

little emotions and actions and thoughts and

nothing will ever be solved

Until we stop and think about

it

a little better than

how we are used to doing it

and maybe we will see

maybe you will see

maybe i will actually believe in what i always wanted

humanity to believe

in

what i wanted to believe in

and its not a feeling

its not a million things

its quiet, silent

like a night disease

asleep, your sound, you don't feel it coming

only when its too late

And when it does. . .

It slips away

a million moments later

we're too shocked

I'm too shocked

to really feel it and though

it settles deep in our spirit

it still slips away

cause we're way too logical and dense

and angry and loud

and violent

To see a million things-

a million times I have thought about getting married but I don't think it will ever happen to me.

***

Originally posted on my Fanfiction.net profile.