A "Black Man"

Growing up I was told not to cry or be overly emotional

I was told to be more like a "black man""

What exactly is that?

Who or what defines what a black man is or how a black man should be?

This mindset has twisted how I feel and think about myself and others

The way I view myself is just twisted self-hatred masked as self-love

I fall short in showing how much I care about someone else

How can I treat others right if I don’t know how I view myself?

I wake up with a blank face:

This face forces itself to show emotions that let people think I’m fine but actually I’m not

I try to hold on to things to keep me going, but eventually that falls apart too

I feel lost and gone

I just want to scream out to the world

“I hate it! I hate it! I hate it!”

“I hate myself and why do I act and think the way I do!”

I don’t know what to do

I can’t do my best at anything if I don’t even know my own worth

I try and struggle only to end up worse off than before

I hurt people all the time

Each time I think to myself: "Why?"

"Why am I this way?"

"Why can’t I learn?"

"Why do I try?"

"Why every time I get cornered and pressured to talk about emotions do I feel sick to my stomach and choke up?"

I freeze up like frost on a cold winter night

I get this unwelcome overwhelming sensation

I be lost in dark thoughts with no warmth of light

These are things that I have never told anyone

It’s not about ending my life but am I really living anyways?

What am I waking up for?

What keeps me going forward?

I’m driven by nothing at all

I try not to have anyone worry but who would honestly say they would help and listen?

I feel like I have no one

Is it best for me to be alone?

That’s what the world is telling and showing me

People say everything happens for a reason

What reason is there for what I be going through?

These feelings are a first to me

I don’t know how to handle all this at once

These ramblings of mine are all I amount to when it comes down to it

They lead to a dark void where my heart should be

I have crushed it myself and that’s what hurts the most

I want to fix myself but how?

This is a call for help:

Who will be the one to answer?

Maybe it’s better if no one did

I’m a joke so does this really matter?

This is the story and life of a "black man"

These are sad hidden truths that are suppressed but now they are overflowing too much to hold back like water spilling in a boiling pot

I just want to be truly happy...

This is not all but a small piece of my raw, honest feelings as they pass and go