2:51 Am

Like every morning prior to this one I woke up, reached for my phone to hit the snooze button for about the 4th time. Yes I am one of those kinds of people. I dread waking up in the morning and even more so when I am a sad, ball of rain clouds hiding under mounds of comfy blankets and the pile of clothes that I share my bed with now. I’ve gotten use to having the empty space next to me again, And that’s not even the part that bugs me. What bugs me is once again I gave my all to someone who wasn’t worthy of being with me. I know what I deserve and want in a partner, yet time and time again I have ignored these needs and wants because since I was a little girl it has felt like I have been fed nothing but bullshit about my state of worthiness in this world or lack there of I should say. I know I’m not worthless, I know a woman like me is rare and I make a point to say that because I have worked hard to be that type of woman because that's what I deserve from the man I am destined to be with, rarity. Not pain, lies, abuse and heartache. I know you’re probably scuffing while you read this and thinking to yourself “Wishful thinking” right? Wrong, but that's where my mindset was at the time. A very destructive place to be in.

Anyways, after finally prying the blankets off, dragging myself to the bathroom, I flick on the light. Turn on my speaker and start blasting my morning playlist to try and lift my spirits. Looking up in the mirror after splashing cold water on my face was a hard realization moment. Staring blankly at myself over the bathroom sink as the water dripped off my nose and chin. My eyes were puffy and red, They never looked so dark and lifeless. There was no natural light or spark, there was no color. The pretty ocean blues were just grey and full of rain clouds, more than rain clouds, they were filled with hurricane mock 10 type rain clouds.

my skin was blochty and rosier then the normal tone of red on my cheeks. My lips felt heavy and droopy, like they were just taped on by some of that super cheap dollar store tape that can’t hold anything up, you know the kind you constantly have to pat to keep the corners down.

The woman I saw wasn’t someone I ever wanted to be again, I was hoping this sad, pathetic lump wasn’t someone I would ever see again. Boy was I wrong.

To be continued....

-Marissa Knappert