13,140,014 seconds

It's been almost half a year since you left. 

Left me, left your life behind, and left this world.

I thought the grief would be short-lasting, but it isn't. 

People lie when they say there are five stages of grief. Stages indicate that it ends eventually.

It doesn't. 

You're supposed to accept it once you've been through all five stages. 

Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

But I don't accept it. And I shouldn't be expected to. 

For five months, you've been gone. And for five months, you've been a constant in my mind. 

I've been through denial, anger, and depression. And I've been stuck on bargaining. 

For five months, I've been wondering and wondering and wondering. 

That's 13,140,014 seconds.

13,140,014 seconds questioning why I wasn't enough for you to stay.

13,140,014 seconds questioning what inflicted you with such a heavy soul.

13,140,014 seconds questioning why you didn't say goodbye, or even write me a note.

13,140,014 seconds questioning why you didn't open up about how you felt.

13,140,014 seconds questioning what I could've done to prevent this.

13,140,014 seconds questioning if I missed the signs.

13,140,014 seconds questioning if you knew how much pain this would cause me, and if you thought that was worth it.

and 13,140,014 seconds that my questions have been left unanswered.

Because truly, the only person who could answer them is you. And you didn't stick around to answer them.