100 Cups of Tea

My heart said to find him

That’s my next step

But my life can’t be about a man?

Just find him

Just find him-Is my heart for real?

Close my eyes

Hold my heart

Ask

Are we meant?

To be together

Yes

With every beat -I’m ready for you to excite me again

Hopeful morning

You woke up

On the right side

Things going your way

Country music

Playing loud

And you find

Yourself

Singing and dancing along

You put your eyeliner on thick

To outline the sparkle in your eyes

You don’t want him to miss

As you get closer

You don’t know what you are walking towards

And that’s exciting too

Then nothing

And you’re just wishing for something

Why did you listen to your heart again?

You’re not falling apart

But disappointed and confused

Feeling like you’re on the wrong side

Where lovers don’t find one another

Then you catch a glimpse

Not what you expected

Not even sure what it is

But you catch eyes

Exchange smiles

And you're left wondering

Who is this soul?

Giving me a glimpse -Timing

It’s hard not to feel

Like the mitt

Left for them to claim

And accept

They aren’t coming back

For you

You were barely tried on for size

You knew you would keep them warm

But they won’t bother

Go back

Not worth it -Lost mitt at the park

What am I doing wrong?

What’s wrong with me?

Don’t tell me not to feel this way

It’s hard everyday

Trying to feel like you’re not on the outside

Looking in

And things in the world

Aren’t meant for you

People can be cruel

And this lack of love

Can make you that way too

Besides it all

You keep trying

What made you this way?

How many times

Do you need to get slapped in the face?

Before you give up -Why won’t you give up?

I honestly don’t know

How to believe

In anything

Other than following my heart

Nothing else makes sense

To me

I guess I need to know

That the way is simple

Not easy

But that

It’s not some secret code

I can never unlock

That there is direction

Available to everyone

Who is searching

Sometimes

It makes no sense at all

Or so it seems

Sometimes it even feels like

My heart is lying to me

For some reason

Then

There are times

When I’m blown away

By how what my heart is saying

Seems so true

So, I bend to its mercy

Because for me it’s the most beautiful way to exist -Exist part two

It’s hard not to feel

Like life is trying to break me

Like it wants me on the floor

Unable to get myself back up

Because the gravity

Of it all

Has me pinned down

Terrified

To make yet another mistake

Hurt someone I love

Or fail when I know that’s not a choice

So, the idea of myself sitting here

Writing

Is a little unbelievable

I keep telling myself

I don’t want to be here

I can’t do this anymore

But I keep on

More than anything

I just want to break completely

To have the choice

Would be a privilege -Can you break for me?

My ex said

I was too positive

Ever hopeful

That things will

Work out

Get better

That the world is not going to end

And so that we shouldn’t just lie

And do whatever we want

Without respect for the Earth

And each other

There are times when I want to give in

How long can a heart stay hopeful?

Through how much pain?

When I know how much I love

And how it seems to get me nowhere

On this Earth

But I won’t give up on her

She turns my face to that of my little boy

Would you want him to give up?

Just keep holding and releasing -I am not the night

There are days like these

Where I feel like

The Gods are laughing at me

You stupid hopeful girl

Did you actually think you could make it?

Everything is falling apart around you

When will you give in and ask for help?

From the wrong people -Please don’t

I wouldn’t want you to see me now

Yet you’re the only one I want to see me

Like this

I know I will pull myself out

Of this hole

But I need to hide down here for a while

Yes, I’m scared of being buried alive

And there is always that threat

Lingering

And I don’t want to ask you

To sit at the top

And stand guard

Because I’m not supposed to need you

And what would make me think

That you would want to

Or even be willing?

Despite what my heart says – I’m not even a hot mess. I’m just a mess.

The thing I love about poetry

Is that there are no rules

At least in my mind

You can say what you want to say

However you want to say it

And if I knew no one would ever see it

It would probably be even more honest

What if talking to you was like writing a poem? -What would I say?

I know I’m ridiculous

But I’m a very loving ridiculous

I don’t know why I’m drawn to you

Exactly

I just am

It’s something about you

That would never go away

But if I think of some reasons:

You never lied to me

This may seem kind of mean

But I like it when you’re nervous

It’s super cute

I trust you with my kids

I wouldn’t blink an eye

That’s huge

If you only knew

How huge

I love your heart

I’ve stood beside it

I felt how it beats

I’m not like you

But I am like you

And I think you know that

I don’t think you would sell yourself to fit in

I don’t think you would let someone get away

With saying something that was hurtful about someone else

At least this is what I imagine

I’m hopeless with instruments

So, to me you’re a genius

I don’t think of anyone else

When I want to fantasize

It’s only you

Even with all the not understanding you

Even with not getting to know you

I just wish it was you

Some things are hard to explain

Like how can I feel so strongly

About someone I have never talked to?

But I’m just following my heart

And I would have told you a long time ago

But I was afraid to be let down again

And I wasn’t even sure

You would want me to

Sometimes I feel crazy

Like I’m living in my own world

But if I’m not

The only one

Please know

I would love to talk to you

And I don’t really like talking to people -Some kind of love poem

There is a cost

To not speaking

What’s in your heart

And sometimes

Or maybe every time

You will be broke apart for choosing to speak

It can feel devastating

Either way

But I know my soul

Wants to break in honesty

And in expressing its love

Even if it’s not going to be promised in return

It’s freeing

I need to be free

And it’s not selfish

It’s energy

That wants to move

From my heart to yours

And out into the world

I feel that you want to be expanded

I hope my love expands you

And opens you up more -Spiritual path

Make the world sexier place to be by being honest. -What is sexy about a man

I always thought

That if a man made a fool of himself

To show me

He wanted to love me

That I would be so lucky

But

I’m happy to always be the one

To make a fool of myself -Sexy fool

Excited to let go

Been holding on

Too long

There’s air to breathe

And magic mixing up

In the stars

What will the waves bring?

Water washing gently at my feet

Or a rush so high and water splashes in my face

Trusting when I need to jump in

Feeling more alive

For being open- Open heart

Who knows?

What will come

This has been the strangest of lives

And my heart beats at an irregular rhythm –Not diagnosed

Can we all really create the lives we want?

Not a wedding

Not a funereal

A light

Full bellies

Sitting round the table

Together

Love -Ask me in the New Year