Rainbow Solace

Do you know one of those moments when your heart feels constricted and all of your innards tied up, where the only way you can function is to keep moving and take one jagged breath at a time? This was one of those.

I began the brisk walk on my beloved lakeshore path, the one I walk most days with a smile and a skip in my step. Today was different. It had been for the past few days, but this moment was the worst. My heart felt heavy, and I felt small. So today, I walked not for the joy of it but out of necessity.

I needed to breathe.

I walked the familiar path, looking for the respite that did not come. What did come, I wasn't prepared for...

Splat!

A fat droplet fell on my arm. Then, a few more. I instinctively reached for the thin windbreaker tied around my waist and put it on. Within seconds, it began drizzling, forcing me to cover my head with the jacket's flimsy hood. Lakeshore matched my spirit. I looked up at the dark clouds and sighed.

I should head back.

The rain was getting heavier, but so was my heart. I couldn't go back. I decided to keep walking, at least until I reached the bend. "Bad idea!" my brain told me, but I continued.

The already sparse crowd grew thinner. My jacket felt thinner, now soaked and clinging to my bare arms under the weight of the sudden downpour. I clutched my hood with both my hands and hunkered on.

Here's what weighed on my heart —

Should I continue or give up on my dream?

I'd chosen a path for myself that was getting increasingly difficult, and I'd just about had enough of it. It wasn't one single thing but a myriad of little things that had steadily piled on. I was on the brink of giving up, but a small voice kept telling me to go on, and I had...till now. But the stress, anxiety, and heartbreak was too much. The voice was almost inaudible but still there — faint. This walk felt strangely metaphorical.

I will not quit. I cannot quit.

I repeated these words like a mantra. Salty tears mingled with the showers already drenching my face. I fought through my wet lashes and peered at the horizon. Bar one or two people in the distance; by now, I was alone.

"Help me! Give me a sign," I asked the Universe.

Dramatic, I know, but I was desperate.

At that very moment, just as abruptly as it had begun, the rain stopped.

"Thank you?!" I mumbled unsurely, looking ahead. In the distance, I saw a person with their camera pointed at something. I followed their gaze, and there was my sign.

A double rainbow!

I took a deep, full breath, filling my lungs with the air I so craved. I could breathe again! A fresh set of tears rolled down my face. I let them.

Relief.

The weight lifted, and I felt a deep sense of gratitude. I don't know how long I stood there, allowing the magnificence of the moment to heal me. Finally, I smiled and pulled out my phone to capture the moment that had restored my heart. My sign to carry on.

And I no longer had to do it alone. A little birdie suddenly appeared, accompanying me for the rest of my walk towards the bend. Maa, I thought. My grandma had passed away the year before, and ever since, in moments of sadness, fear, or need, I found myself greeted by a bird —mostly crows, this time a red finch. Flying a few paces ahead, she led me to my destination.

When I finally reached the bend, I took another deep breath, allowing the mesmerizing view to engulf me. The sky had begun to clear, the sun peeked from the clouds, no longer dark, and seagulls soared in victorious laps.

I see you. I hear you. I bow at your majesty.

"Thank you, Universe," I said one final time. "I will continue!"

As I turned to head back home, I knew deep in the recesses of my being that it would be okay. I would be okay. More than okay...

And it was, I was, more than okay!