Feeling one's way through life

This photo encompasses all that I believe in - about being a good parent (in terms of allowing individual expression, exploration, and gender non-specific play).

She is the youngest of my five children. Age three, at the time of this photo.

Before she was born, I'd built a pond, in our side yard. When they were younger, her older sisters had all enjoyed catching frogs with their butterfly nets and putting them into buckets - to release them, within an hour, after they had been fully admired and appreciated. Now, it was her turn.

Five girls, all encouraged to play outdoors. All encouraged to explore the wide world around them, and to admire nature.

Just as I had been encouraged by my parents, decades earlier, I had introduced my children to a wide variety of things to play with - toy trucks, dolls, dogs, cats, collecting flowers, catching frogs, playing dress-up, making things, helping pound nails.

It didn't matter whether it was a typical 'boy' or 'girl' thing to do, if it was interesting and educational, we did it.

I remember, at about the age of 7, my father taking my sister and I fishing, and he refused to put the worm on the hook for us, stating firmly "If you want to learn to fish, you have to put the worm on the hook, yourself."

I remember being utterly dismayed at the thought of having to do it myself. They were so squirmy, squishy, and... alive. I hated to plunge the sharp metal barb through their innards - as they wriggled and lived for much longer - only to be eventually drowned (by my repeated attempts to cast and reel-in my line). But my father was adamant, that we couldn't just have the 'fun' of fishing, we had to learn to do the unpleasant parts for ourselves. Which we did. Until it became less uncomfortable and gross; until it became routine and normal.

This lesson helped me - in so many things, in life. Doing the 'work' first, before the reward. Doing what needed to be done, even if it was unpleasant, tedious, or uncomfortable. Of course, in the realm of books and studying, there were few physical comparisons between these two jobs of fishing and schoolwork - but the work ethic that my father instilled in us, to do what we didn't want to do so that we could complete a task independantly, stuck. It has served me a lifetime.

Even while raising kids, when I was left, not just once, but twice, by ex-husbands who couldn't seem to see 'the forest for the trees'... who couldn't seem to realize that the work of today - albeit chaotic and painful - was to lead to great rewards later (if only one were to stick-it-out for the longterm)... I did not even doubt for a second that I could (and would) do this. That I could raise these children on my own - despite the struggles, the stress, the ups and downs handled alone, and the many demands of parenthood (and single-parenthood).

It was my parents' attitude of work, duty, and completion before fun and pleasure that took me where I wanted to be, and got me through decades of raising 5 girls on my own. It was also the sense of wonder that they instilled in us, by letting us try a variety of things, explore life, and have adventures.

And it was my parents' drive to instill in us that we could do anything - despite our assigned sex at birth - that helped me to face tasks with imagination, determination, and often enthusiasm.

All the many experiences my sister and I had as children served as a reservoir for my own parenting days. The crafts, the outdoor skiing, the snow-shoeing, the making igloos in the backyard, the swimming on the beach (collecting fossils, while my peers sunned themselves on rocks)... I was never guilted or teased, by my parents, into being something that I was not. I was never pigeon-holed into fitting within society's views of gender or expectations for me, as a female. I was never limited. And neither were many of the adult women around me. In my life, growing up, in my parents' circle of friends, most were whole people - both the men and women - who were multi-faceted, deep, and interesting. Well-rounded people who had talents, skills, dreams, and duties. Both sexes would take turns cooking, doing dishes, and doing yard work. Both could do almost anything that was required around the house - be it, entertaining or educating us children, or fixing a piece of loose siding. Some had talents in some areas more than others, but there was always a willingness to help each other, and to share the burdens of completing tasks.

I never heard a cross or mean words, growing up. Both my parents were educators; and both excelled and believed in 'honouring the child' in all of us. They were gentle but firm (when needed), hard working and disciplined, playful and adventurous. I had a good childhood.

Now, I am faced with raising children, on my own - without the balance, on display, that I saw... of individual parents, working together, to help each other, in all aspects of parenthood and adulthood. But, I think my children see me balancing and juggling all the duties that parenthood and adulthood entails. I am halfway through this challenge. My oldest, being 23 and my youngest now 9. I have survived, this long. I can survive the rest, I know.

I try to take time, for myself, to re-charge. As an introvert, this usually means working on a hobby, or tv time, on my own. My usual jobs include taxiing my kids to their activities, making meals, keeping dishes washed, and keeping some clothes always clean. (Very boring and mind-numbing tasks.) And although the house is usually a scattered mess of half-finished projects and half-started house chores (because time to complete things is always fleeting), my kids do see that I keep trying, each day. That I rise to the challenge, and that I don't back down, unless exhaustion or 'down' moments force me to pause, and recharge.

I think we all do this. We all try our best. And I keep hoping that my best will be enough.

I look at the parents that both my ex-husbands had, and know that they too were trying their bests. But both were born into different social pockets than that in which I was fortunate to grow up - where gender roles were much more pronounced and rigid. Where children were forced to conform to these strict roles, at a very early age. Where creativity, exploration, and learning by-doing and by-making-mistakes were not encouraged, but punished, and ridiculed.

I saw both my ex-husbands slowly fall apart, as their struggles to meet their rigid role of 'provider' failed. They could not seem to pivot and embrace a larger definition of what it meant to be a parent, a partner, and a human... to communicate, support, empathize, and just to keep trying. That the value of trying, and going through the motions each day, was just as important as whether or not they 'failed' or 'succeeded.' And that their value, as a member of a family far surpassed their role as a monetary provider. That their role should also encompass all the 'softer' qualites, of friend, confidant, and lover - and that these were just as important, as any monetary input they could provide.

I hope my children will grow up to be well-adjusted, resilient (in the face of adversity), and adventurous. I hope they will embrace themselves and others, as whole individuals - as human - and not see themselves (or others) as confined by any gender restrictions. I hope they will be balanced, stable, and well-rounded individuals.

I hope that they will be free to dream, experiment, and learn. And most of all, to feel that they are always free, to be themselves... whatever that means, for them... to explore this world, unencumbered and unconfined by outside (or inward) harsh & critical judgement.

I have taught my kids to, most of all, trust themselves, trust that all will be okay in the end, and to let bounce off of them, any outside criticism that is unhelpful. I hope this will transfer on, to future generations. I would like this to be my family legacy.