Words of hope.

I am proud of myself for realising that I am not special and that nobody was going to save me. I’d been unwell for a while trying to get help. Physically drained. Emotionally on the edge of a serious break. Heading to A&E several times a month, waiting 2 months for appointment, taking whatever medication given.

I was waiting.

For a Eureka moment, for someone to find out what was wrong with me and tell me how to fix it. After a few months of drowning in self-pity and misery I realised that day may never come. I realised that at the end of the day I was going to have to live with me forever and that doctors are just people. People with a tough jobs and limitations made difficult by a flawed system. I had to start doing the bare minimum to scrape myself off the ground. And this is where the self-healing…or awakening begun.

I rediscovered my power. The penny dropped. No one can make you anything. For many years I was a devoted people pleaser, from childhood in fact.

“My parents said I have to choose two sciences”, I complained to my friends.

I chose two sciences and failed them both at sixth form. Moral: nobody held a gun to my head. I chose it. It was a tough lesson for me to reflect on and accept but it is the cold hard truth. I wish I had the courage and a strong enough sense of self at the time to say no but on flip side our experiences shape us. I never would’ve experienced the things I have so far in life. The past cannot be changed but the future always can.

I am changing now.

“Motivation comes after the action.” A saying, not sure by whom, I believe I learned too late in life. At school they preach and teach motivation. Stay positive. Keep it up! Work Hard! They forget to emphasise that you have to start in the first place. You have to A C T, push through the discomfort or reluctance you may feel initially, to build motivation.

Reading the brief for this challenge, all the amazing, beautiful women in my life came to mind. I could write pages. Streams, for each and every one of them, pour out my heart and thank them for all their teachings and good deeds. Matter of fact, I did start a letter, addressed to me but with a section dedicated to each special woman. I couldn’t fully get into the grove though. It just wouldn’t...GO! Second penny drop. I was afraid to choose to write about myself. I feared being seen as selfish. Fear of being centre stage.

It is not for me wrong to choose myself.

I am proud that I have chosen myself.

I am beautiful and strong.

I too picked myself up and carried on.

I am more than enough.

I am worthy and I don’t have to do it all to prove it.

I should never be ashamed to say these words to myself.

I should always talk to myself like this.

Repeat these sentences to yourself.

Here is where we have to remind ourselves that it takes time.

The heavy negativity of my inner voice really struck me recently as I attempted to parallel park the last week.

“I’m rubbish at parking on the driver’s side. Never ever get it right. Ridiculous.”

I brought these thoughts to clean halt! Then I started cheering for myself.

“I can sooo do this. I didn’t get my licence by smiling. If I don’t get it right this time, I can try again next time and over time it’ll get better,” and like magic, I parked far better than I normally do! This mini epiphany revealed to me the power of positive thinking.

I am on a journey of self-discovery and healing. I have face hard days and experienced elation. Almost drowning in my own tears, then splashing around them with pure joy.

This letter is a polite reminder to me, for me and hopefully for somebody else too.

Some words of hope. I hope.

There will not always be someone cheering you on.

You will have to fight the tiredness and brush the stickiness out of your eyes in the morning in silence. You will ascend mountains, trek hills and celebrate basking in the sunshine alone as you reach the summit.

You will smile as the sun beats your face, feelings of warmth and content.

You will fall, you will hit the floor hard, repeatedly. Still in the silence you will rise.

You will feel pain, sorrow, all the horrible things. Welcome it. Feel it. Let it pass.

Nothing is forever.

It will pass.

The light is not at the end of the tunnel.

It’s all around us.

We just have to find a way to let it in.

With love,

awanderingprincess