Why the Art of Detachment is an Important skill we should learn

Often in life, we are faced with realities that we may not necessarily be mentally prepared for. For instance, we purchase material things to enjoy them and make ourselves happy, we connect with others to create relationships and belonging, and we take actions to achieve our goals, passions and dreams. We embark in these pursuits, with the intention to have a healthy attachment to those things, people, places and even thoughts. However, life happens and the everyday bustles and hustles can lead us to take things for granted, and assuming they will always be there, until they are gone. Then, we are faced with figuring out how to adapt to the change or cope with the loss. But when we learn to have a healthy attachment, we feel emotionally balanced to face life’s changes.

How do we navigate the uncertainties? The loss? The rejections? And mentally set ourselves in a positive and healthy response? The answer may be in learning how to have a healthy attachment. Instead of making things outside ourselves the sources of our emotional fulfillment, we learn to create healthy connections to them, through the Art of healthy detachment.

When we live with unhealthy attachment, navigating these new realities can bring unnecessary emotional pain and a cycle of dissatisfaction. We create attachment because of the need to control what is outside of ourselves. But when we reflect on this, attachment and control are nothing but poison for the mind, which create an illusion, because we really do not have control over anything that is outside ourselves. Trying to attach to things outside of ourselves prevent us from living freely. We tell ourselves that things outside ourselves makes us happy and alive, but in reality we are making these things alive and not the other way around. Thus, learning to develop a healthy attachment to these various sources (materials things, people, places and thoughts) of emotional satisfaction is essential for a balanced life.

What is the Art of detachment? And how can we create a balance between our emotions and things outside ourselves?

The Art of detachment is a practice that involves letting go of excessive emotional attachment to people, things, situations, and outcomes. It is a healthy way to navigate life’s ups and downs, and maintain inner peace while managing these various sources of emotions. Through the art of detachment, we learn to enjoy life regardless of these external things without creating deep emotional pains when we are faced with changes. We are then prepared and mentally equipped to positively deal with them, avoiding deep anxiety, fears, worries, and unhappiness.

Learning the art of detachment is key to mental freedom and joy. Like the wonderful phrase from the Buddha teaching “ A flame burns brightly regardless who watches it and just simply exist, continuing to fulfill its purpose.” Imagine learning to just be and live without attachment to material things, people, places and outcomes, but we choose to simply exist regardless what we have. The trick may just be in learning to reframe our mindset and knowing that things outside ourselves will always come and go, and can be replaced, changed, but we as a being cannot be replaced, therefore we are at the center of it all. We are the only constant thing in everything that goes around us, and we are in control of ourselves and how we attach to things outside ourselves. This process does not mean being cold, detached from others, not taking care or cherish our possessions and people, things we love and value or being nonchalant about life, but is aware of life’s highs and lows, the process of life changes and uncertainties, and understanding that we must adapt to it, rather than stay attached to what was. We learn to take the time we need to feel the loss or the past, and positively make a conscious choice to face reality and move forward in our lives, while letting go.

The art of detachment allows us to develop a healthy attachment in all areas of our life:

Develop healthy attachment to Things:

We learn to enjoy material possessions without clinging to them as the sources of our fulfillment, rather we values and enjoy them without the needs to validate us. For instance, your brand new car is for you to enjoy the rides and when it is gone for wherever reason, you are not in deep sadness, but grateful for what it serves in your life and you are fine to let go and learn to move on because you created a healthy attachment to it.

Another example, take a wealthy person who was once poor or had learned to not take anything for granted, and then he lost lot of possession today, and yet he find peace and fulfillment in the situation because he or she has learned healthy attachment to these possession and know that the changes may have possibly saved him from something more damaging, and knowing that he can one day replace or have something better in exchange of the loss. He then learns to be grateful in life. Through these experiences, we accept what is now and peacefully see ourselves as the sources of our fulfillment and happiness.

Develop healthy attachment to Places:

We learn to enjoy where we are, without the fear of letting go because we understand that there are more possibilities to explore new places out there. By letting go, we open up to more opportunities and possibilities. We start to understand that places do not define us, but allow us to start over, perhaps, planting healthy seeds for those we meet and vice-versa. Then, we peacefully move on to our next environment, with the knowledge that we are growing and learning.

Develop healthy attachment to People:

From experiences, I believe this is the most important form of detachment that we can learn. Why? Because, as we all know people are people, that is with ego, emotion, and mindset, which can make them more difficult to deal with. Unhealthy attachment to people, can create lots of emotional and sometimes physical pain. People can unintentionally or intentionally cause you emotional imbalance, by playing with your emotions, getting into your psyche, manipulate you, reject you, isolate you and even physically harm you. But when we are connected to people in a healthy way, that is enjoy time with them, cherish them and understand that if they live or change toward us, we are ok to handle it with grace and without too much emotional pain.

From childhood to adulthood, we have learned to attach to families, friends, acquaintances and even stranger because it gives us a sense of security, joy, happiness and belonging. We enjoy their company, love and care for them, values them in our life. However, one thing we have not been taught is how to create a healthy emotional balance with these various sources. Unfortunately, the only way we often learn this is through emotional pain and sufferance.

Therefore, we need to learn to avoid letting other people be the main source of our fulfillment, joy or happiness. It is essential to attach and connect to our inner being, within ourselves, which can help us build and maintain this balance. For example, when a child grows up and leave home, a parent can be emotionally prepared to let go and accept what is happening. They wish their child happiness and joy, while remaining in the positive and balanced state of emotion, knowing that supporting their child’s growth and evolving is what it needed. In turn, the parent release control and excessive attachment and feel a powerful growth within, and that is truly freedom.

We learn to genuinely connect with others, without the feeling or worry that they may not accept us, may reject or dismiss us. We enter and create a relationship with the understanding that it may not last or may not be reciprocated, and we are fine with that because we have learned a healthy attachment and awareness within us that people maybe in our life for a season or to teach us and vise versa. This is truly liberating.

Without healthy detachment, we become dependent on people and their actions, which create emotional pain by wanting people to do what we want instead of what is in their best interest, because we have developed an unhealthy attachment to their presence, and their time in our life. We learn to create a balance between having them around and being our own individual without their presence.

One way to create this healthy attachment, is to build a healthy sense of self by making time to get to know oneself. It may sound easier than done, but if we truly want to create healthy emotions to people, we need to learn to let go, release control and develop a healthy sense of self. We no longer become dependent to their love and their interaction. When we detach, we no longer give anyone this satisfaction, and this is liberating. Healthy detachment does no mean we become cold and distant toward others, we just learn to stand in our own despite who is around us.

Develop healthy attachment to Thoughts:

Our thoughts can be a powerful weapon in our life and those around us. So we should not let our thoughts consume us, rather we can create a healthy attachment through a positive mindset. We learn to positively manage our expectations of things outside ourselves, or better yet, we have no expectations. We make plans and goals, take meaningful actions without the need to attach to outcomes. For instance, when you apply for a contest or expect a promotion, ect — -, you focus and enjoy the process and the growth it bring in your life, rather than the outcomes. We enjoy the process of living life instead of being trapped by results. This process also allows us to face our fears because we no longer care about what or how things looks, we focus on the experience. We learn to let go of the fear of judgment from others and outcomes as it is a trap that keep us from pursuing our passion, dreams and goals. Through developing a healthy attachment to our thoughts, we learn to not only face our fears, but we realize that these thoughts have no substance. We learn to detach from others’s perceptions by realizing that people’s thoughts and our own unfavorable thoughts are intangible, and unable to harm us, unless we let them. We are no longer held back by these thoughts. Through detachment, we learn to refuse to internalize the negativity, making it looses its power over us and our self image. Fear dissolves, and what remain is the sense of freedom, and being able to balance our thoughts and emotions in the face of any challenges.

According to the Buddha teaching, when we start to engage in life through equanimity (engaging in life without attachment to its low and high), the art of detachment, we find true freedom. When we stop caring too much about things outside of ourselves, we reclaim our presence. Instead of constantly monitoring how we are perceived, we direct our focus on our values, our relationships, our purpose and what truly matter. When we detach from the outcome, we become present and presence is a gift to ourselves and to others.

Practicing healthy detachment may take a different form for each individual, but being patient and making an intentional effort toward positive changes is what bring long lasting results. One way to achieve this is to learn to let go with the understanding that this is part of life. We do not have control outside of ourselves, so we choose to focus on yourself and accept what is. Another way is to learn to prioritize our own needs and well-being and to create distance between the person, the situation or the thoughts you want to detach from, and through consistency, it may no longer affect you. Challenging our expectations and biases ,maybe another way to achieve detachment. Rather than expecting things to go a certain way, we open to possibilities and be an observer, without judgment.

In summary, learning the Art of detachment is essential for one’s growth in life. This can sometimes be achieved by loosing what you thought we needed, but just to find who we truly are, an individual who is free of unhealthy attachment. But ultimately, through a healthy attachment, we are more confident to take chances in life, pursuing our dreams and goals, create meaningful connections and relationships, be a positive presence in our life and those we care about, and fully enjoy life.

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