Who am I? Lets find out.

I was sitting at the airport, a bloody mary in one hand and my hat in the other. I set them down, and opened pinterest to scroll through aimlessly as I wait for my flight. As I do, these self discovery journal prompts came up and the title of the image says, "WHO AM I?" The questions proceeded to ask me what are 10 things I like about myself, what do I want to change about myself, etc. Corny right? Well, call me corny then, because I was suddenly going down a rabbit hole.

Being an avid writer, I pulled out my journal and start answering this oh so intimidating and dawning questions that subconsciously lingers on everyone's mind but we all seem to be too afraid to address. But really... who am I?

It was that random day that I started writing and answering those questions about my life-- who I was and who I wanted to be-- but I have now consistently been journaling about it for going on 6 months. And even though I believe I have come to some deeper, more personal and true-to-self answers, I have to obviously keep myself in check so why stop. I mean, am I still happy? Why wasn't I happy before? What has changed in the past 6 months? Yes, I told you... I literally went down a rabbit hole, and though I can't get myself out of it admittedly enough, I honestly don't think I want to anyway because what I have learned along the way has been life changing. Seriously. Let me explain what I mean.

I started off on the surface level stuff-- I am a traveler. I am working hard. I am goal driven. I want to be successful and make alot of money. I like to work. Blah, blah blah. Isn't that half the worlds answer? I know for a fact that I am not like half the world. Trust me, I aim to be different, and yet, on the surface I was describing myself as any modern Joe Blow.

So what happened FIRST after answering questions like this, written in different formats as questions and prompts and lists, I realized something deeper... that not only what I wanted was way more than I was currently doing or happy with in my present life, but that it was stuff I almost didn't even realize I wanted until I started putting the pieces together-- my true likes, dislikes, moments I was proud of myself in life, and moments that I wish I could have potentially reacted or done differently. It was these self-soul searching questions that almost peeled back layers of myself that led me to start making changes in the present to lead me to these revelations. And by peeling back those layers, I realized that I was actually proud of what I had already done in life, confidant in what I wanted and really started making concrete changes to love and respect myself. In other words, I was becoming who I wanted to be and treating myself as such too.

During this time, I traveled, moved cities, switched careers, started working more remote, got a side job, and even spent more extensive time with family. And though things started changing (alot), I kept writing and reflecting.

But get this. This is what happened NEXT. It got even harder... the reflecting got harder because I started questioning some of who I wanted to be based on actively working on myself... and so, I recently learned that it was OKAY to want to change. After 6 months of writing about my wants, and though almost repetitive at this point, my feelings or list of who I was started from wanting to be successful and this power, career driven woman who made an impact in this world and then have love, and a family completely did a 360. It wasn't like it switched after I had met someone either. Trust me, I am still single, have nothing to depend on and basically can fit everything I own in my car, but I learned my values weren't matching up. I have always wanted to be a mom, and have a family and have FUN in life, so where did those fit in with a money hungry, workaholic? It didn't.

See what was happening? By figuring out who I am, and who I was and who I wanted to be, I was changing. Better yet, I was learning it was okay to change. So the point is, find out who you REALLY are, and be that person. Change jobs if you don't like it, change your lifestyle so you can have that family or pet one day. Change your location if it doesn't feel like home, or buy a house if you want to be grounded. Find a job that you can work remote if you want to travel. I get it is all easier said than done, but what I have learned is that we keep chasing these wants or desires but once we find them, we are still not fulfilled, and I 100% believe it is because we have never done the nitty gritty, gut wrenching, soul searching of who we are.

I know who I am now. Atleast for now. But I have accepted the peeling back of the layers within myself, and realizing that change can be good, and IS good. But even more, it is okay to WANT to change. And with everything going on this world, a stagnant world seems like the last thing anyone of us could want.