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When you want something...

By Mandee Logsdon

By Mandee LogsdonPublished 5 years ago 5 min read

17 years old, Rome, Italy – The summer after I graduated high school, I took a 2.5-week tour of Europe. While the other girls my age were interested in talking about boys, the discos, and lower drinking age I was drooling over the freedom. I was literally halfway across the world, seeing things I never thought I’d see with people I didn’t know. I could feel the energy of each city and ancient site. I filled a travel journal recounting all the historic buildings. I wrote about the catacombs and the martyrs, of eating pizza on the street. I danced in the alley and ate gelato on the Spanish Steps. I took photos at the Trevi Fountain and threw a coin over my shoulder into the water, so I know I’ll return someday.

19 years old, Cincinnati, Ohio – I started my own photography business, LLC and everything. During college I shot wedding after wedding, paying bills, working to become a dental hygienist. I didn’t get the traditional college experience of patiently exploring my options with a heavy emphasis on study. It’s more like I was just thrown into all the different pieces of me at exactly the same time as I tried to carefully cultivate each. The thing I wish someone would have told me... “It’s a marathon not a race”. But I was young, relatively misguided and lacked wise mentors to teach me the ways. I think the overwhelm of being a college student, new business owner, bartender, a girl shamefully questioning her sexuality and a huge dreamer just wore me down at a very young age. I took a gap year to focus on working.

22 years old, Cincinnati, Ohio – I submitted my photography work to a competition on campus and won more awards than any students that were enrolled in the program sponsoring it. The department chair reached out with an offer to join a prestigious invite only seminar called “Tao of Photography”. Heavy emphasis on the T in Tao because my knowledge of the spiritual world only existed under the context of my rigid upbringing in Christianity. I awkwardly meditated for the first time on the cold tile floor of the broadcast room. The classes were 4 hours long and we’d start every session on that floor finding inner peace and balance. After we emptied ourselves, we would be able to ask the world how she wanted to be captured, we were creating space to welcome the unseen. Nature would push and pull students to capture her in certain ways. Sometimes we’d just sit in the grass and take no photos if that’s what she wanted. This professor convinced me to take the leap and change my major to Electronic Media Communication with a focus in Photography/Film.

25 years old, Austin, Texas – I graduated college and snagged a job doing visual merchandising for Target and moved my ass to Texas. It’s not that my degree was useless, it’s just that I didn’t have the time to wait for a job in my industry. I felt the overwhelming need to make money, so I focused on the corporate career track. At least there was guidance on how to achieve and excel in that world, and it came with the promise of stability and less struggle than the creative and self-driven life I had been fostering. I’ve looked back and labeled this moment as the moment that I gave up on my dreams many times but that’s not really a fair assessment. I moved out of my hometown and though the adjustment took me something like two years I still did it. And don’t get me wrong, there have been valuable skills and lessons wrapped up in this pivotal choice that make my next choices slightly more guided. Sometimes we are just surviving.

29 years old, Austin, Texas – Mattress on the floor, laid back, staring at the ceiling, and I could feel the weight of my own body. “Living like there is nothing left to lose...” are the lyrics from a Kesha song that stunned my conscious mind. The heartbreak from my recent breakup still pulsated through every nerve in my body, rendering me unmovable. My dad, unaccepting of my queerness, told me this is divine intervention because girls should not date girls and I started thinking maybe he was right. I hadn’t worked in weeks and I don’t know how much longer my boss is going to let it slide. I thought about what a conscious relationship would feel like for me vs. the kinds of relationship I’ve engaged in in the past. I took a long hard look at my corporate job and the tradeoff I had been making as I handed my soul over each day for a paycheck and some level of perceived stability. It wasn’t the breakup with the person I thought I’d marry or even my father’s perpetual disapproval that kept me laying there. It was that I was only 29 and it felt like I had lived an entire life. She was tired. The things that normally offer relief didn’t work anymore and I was getting acquainted with a version of myself that I had never met before. The calculation of how to overcome moments, as told by professionals, felt completely wrong in that I felt it disregarded the fact that humans have varying degrees of resources, support, and trauma to just “choose” the positive mindset. Suddenly, my body felt heavier than it did 10 minutes prior, and I was certain there was no life after that moment.

30 years old, Lexington, Kentucky – This is a season of deep reflection! I journal every day and do yoga twice a week. I study spirituality and work with a shamanic coach. I’m active in my fifth year of therapy and have done a lot of inner work. I still run my photography business and use it for social media marketing. Who am I? As I retrace my life here is what I know; travel, photography, spirituality, creativity, LGBTQ rights, and a balanced mindset fulfill me. Sometimes I replay these seasons as reminders but moreover I replay them as pillars, each pivotal in preparing me for my purpose. I now navigate the tricky road of leaving behind the security of my corporate job and the foundation I built there. I venture into the unknown with a dream of helping others; I help spiritual spaces around the world build solid online presence so they can heal the collective. I take photos of beautiful humans and relish in the many different stages of life. I travel often and immerse myself in as many different cultures as possible. I talk to others about the resources/tools I’ve used hoping that maybe something will be revolutionary as they work to build a balanced life themself. I practice a version of sacred ancestry and lift others up if they too choose to embark on their own healing journey. I’m new here but I’m not afraid! This is my purpose and “when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”

goals

About the Creator

Mandee Logsdon

my goal today is to have fun

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