What Keeps Me Going

I am a bit of a "late bloomer", as far as being a musician goes. As a kid, I definitely didn't see myself becoming a song writer. I didn't have aspirations of becoming a "rock star" or anything like that. I was always a huge fan of music, but due to my lack of confidence, I just couldn't imagine creating something to which anyone would want to listen.

In 2009, I joined my first band. I was 22. We were a five piece and another member and I would swap guitar and vocal duties. I had hung around this group of guys since I was 19 and after they had gone through a few changes in the line-up, I found myself picking up the microphone at their rehearsals and just doing my best to sing along with whatever they were playing. They started playing some covers and so, I would learn them and then show up and start singing the covers without anyone asking. It was odd for me to do because, as I said, I was never a particularly confident person.

We started off by playing System of a Down covers and then added in several covers by bands we liked from the 90's, such as Toadies, Deftones, Smashing Pumpkins, and Radiohead. We played one show that was all cover songs and then started to write original material. The background of most of these guys was in playing metal and I was along to play just about anything, honestly. We only played a handful of shows during our brief existence. After spending some time together, some of our egos began to clash, which put a strain on our relationship.

We disbanded in 2012 and I was left wondering what I should do with my desire to play music. I had always dabbled in guitar and vocals, but I never did both at the same time. I had written a couple of songs for the band, but I always had someone to help cowrite and add other elements, like drums, bass, and lead guitar. I was at a point in which I needed to figure things out for myself and decide if I was going to continue playing music.

It's difficult to get three or four people in a room together, especially since at this point in everyone's life, most of us have families and full-time jobs. I had gotten a taste of what it was like to write and rehearse songs with a group of people and see what they could all bring to the table. I felt the sense of satisfaction from playing the songs in front of an audience and receiving positive feedback after a show. After having that removed from my life, I felt empty. The pursuit of playing music became synonymous with the pursuit of happiness for me.

A couple of years had passed and then, during tax season one year, I finally bought an audio interface bundle for my computer which came with a pair of studio headphones and a condenser mic, as well as recording software. It took some adjustment, but I eventually got used to it. It is amazing how awkward it is to play to a click track for the first time when writing a song from scratch. I had recorded guitar tracks before in the previous band, but I had never had to record by myself and with no other intruments before me, so I always had at least a "scratch guitar" track and usually drums.

Eventually, I got used to writing and recording on my own, but I wasn't very good at at. I watched countless YouTube tutorials and read articles about how to record and mix. Little by little, I got better at honing my craft. I also got better at writing, playing guitar, and singing. I learned how to program drums into my songs using a plugin and placing notes on a midi map. I borrowed a bass from a friend at work and began creating songs with full instrumentation. As exciting as this all became, the novelty began to wear off after a few months. I missed playing music with other people, but I was doing everything I could to become a better musician.

I am fortunate enough to have a wife who cares about my musical endeavors. We began dating in 2015, but we had known each other since 2005. She immediately began helping me acquire new gear to help me record my own material. First she found a Fender Telecaster that a friend of hers was selling for dirt cheap. Then, it was a Big Muff, fuzz pedal and Christmas of 2016, she gifted me with a Fender Precision Bass that she had picked up at a pawn shop. My cousin, who's dad played bass in highschool also loaned me the Jazz Bass that was just sitting in his apartment.

I was writing and recording, but as I stated in the beginning of this story, I have always struggled with my lack of confidence. As a result, I have always felt the need to for approval and validation from others. I can't just write music and feel good about what I am doing without having someone tell me I am on the right track. That is just something I have to acknowledge about myself.

I provided myself with a singular philosophy for writing music. If I was going to continue writing, I had to write songs that I would listen to if they were played by another artist. If I didn't truly enjoy a song, I would have to scrap it, entirely or save it for another time when I might revisit it and improve on it. However, this doesn't keep me from becoming jaded.

In 2017, the drummer for the band in which I previously played bought a house and we began playing songs that I had written since we broke up. We played as a two piece and it seemed to be working pretty well. The drummer's brother, who had also played in the previous band, began hanging out and playing guitar. Then, the guy with whom I used to share vocal duties and guitar duties began hanging out. I started bringing my bass over when we would play together and we began writing new material as a four piece band, but the drummer and I still played my solo material as a separate project.

Things seemed to be going well, but egos and personality differences once again came to a head. We disbanded, yet again at the end of 2019, which was very unfortunate because it seemed like we worked very well together. Our chemistry as a four piece was working to our advantage in almost every way. We had all grown as musicians and had gotten much better at our craft. The sound of the band had drifted quite a bit from being metal to being "shoegaze", which if you're not familiar is when a band relies heavily on lots of guitar effects. Shoegaze bands are often labeled as space rock.

This time, I felt like I had something on which to lean. I had my own music, even if I didn't play music with anyone else. Just like the four piece, the two piece I had with my drummer had also fallen apart, but I was not discouraged.

I continued to write new songs and I made it my mission to take recording more seriously. Even though I had all the instruments I needed to make full songs, I was (and I still am) limited by my recording equipment. However, I still continued to do my best, playing the songs as solidly as I could and mixing them to the best of my ability.

Prior to the break up of both bands in 2019, we had not played any shows. We had begun to record our material and were going to release an EP for each project, but it never came to fruition. Our drummer was also our recording engineer and kept making excuse after excuse as to why we couldn't play live shows or release our music. It was just never "ready".

In Fall of 2020, with encouragement from my wife, I began releasing EP's on SoundCloud under the name, Birthday Killroom. Later on in the year and approaching the Winter months, I began releasing the EP's on Spotify, as well. I am still trying to get traction and build a fanbase, but regardless, I am still proud of myself for taking the steps to put my music out into the world.

There is a third EP that has only been released onto SoundCloud and I have debated over whether or not I should remix it before releasing it on Spotify. There is a certain satisfaction just in knowing that my music can be found "in the wild" in places like Spotify. I don't know if I will ever be able to put a band together, but that isn't going to stop me, either.

After the release of the first two EP's I was contacted by a guy who lives near me who plays in a cover band and was looking for a bass player. I had forgotten that I had created an account on a site called, BandMix and shared links to my music on there. The feeling of knowing that another musician listened to my work and wanted me to play bass for them was amazing.

As of this writing, I recently played an acoustic set at a local book/record store. It isn't like the place was packed full of people, but it was an opportunity for me to put myself "out there" and potentially be heard by brand new ears which might actually like what I have to offer. I intend to continue playing acoustic gigs and just see where music takes me and if I have an opportunity to play in other bands, I will do that, as well. I just never want to be the smartest person or the most skilled person in the room. I firmly believe that in order to be better at one's craft, they need to be surrounded by people who know more and will be an encouraging influence in one's life.

I doubt that music will ever be about anything besides the enjoyment of it. I don't care about the money that can be made. I don't care if I never become mainstream. I have spent my years as a musician, cultivating a personality that represents all of the biggest influences in my life. As of late, I have been listening to a lot of post-hardcore that came out in the 80's and 90's.

I want to create something original and I want people to enjoy it. I would rather have 100 hardcore fans at some point than to have 100k fans who just kind of like my music. However, even working to achieve that level of success feels daunting. One major issue that I have is being able to shamelessly promote my music. I just always imagine myself in the position of someone who is watching some random person constantly advertise their music and it seems incredibly narcissistic and self-serving. Plus, I worry about actually getting feedback that might be negative. This fear is almost paralyzing, but the irony is that the single most important thing to me is to continue writing and recording and getting out to as many ears as possible, in the hope that there will be that group of people who just "get it". If I would just stop creating, I wouldn't have the pressure or the fear of rejection, but I can't imagine giving this up now. Being a musician is part of my identity.

I don't think that I am alone in sometimes feeling jaded and wondering, "What is the point of all of this?" I know other artists who also struggle with maintaining the motivation to continue creating, whether is be visual art or music. It is easy to get into the mindset that no one really cares, but sometimes, we have to find a way to circle back around and remember why we started doing this in the first place. I know that in my case, I want to create something of which I can be proud and feel a sense of accomplishment.

Since 2015, I have probably written 30 or 40 songs and I have gotten to the point at which I feel like there are some real "winners" and then there are some songs that I feel just aren't quite up to snuff, but from what I understand, much like writing stories, such as this one, one has to continue to write, even if most of it is essentially garbage. I have to continue to practice, just like I intend to do using a service like Vocal. It's okay if a lot of the work feels like "B-sides". What is important is that I am putting my thoughts out into the world and I am being as authentic and honest as I can.