Waking up at 40

It’s crazy really, the way words can affect you. Kind words, harsh words-some break you and some build you up. They all build me up now. That wasn’t always the case. Everyone has words that changed them good or bad. For some it’s a quote. A music lyric. Mine came to me from the oddest of places.

At the lowest point in my life. I was no longer afraid of anything. Why be afraid? What was one less day? A blessing- that’s what it was.

After being afraid of heights for 39 years, all of a sudden at 40 I was on a 15 foot ladder. After being afraid to use a power saw for fear of slipping and losing a finger, I was running 16 foot boards through a power saw 4 at a time. Skydiving, why not? Splat. Who cares? Not me. And maybe, just maybe instead of sitting here another 20 minutes stuck in traffic on this bridge I’ll just gun it and head to the right.

The icing on the cake was the day I told my husband (who is not my husband anymore) that if suicide wasn’t selfish I would be gone. If I hadn’t felt so strongly that it was a selfish act, I wouldn’t be here anymore.

His response ended our marriage. He basically said there was nothing he could do about it and wished I’d shut up. When I repeated it, that way, back to him and asked if that is really what he just said his only response was a blasé “yeah”.

I didn’t think I could get lower and wasn’t surprised really that I could. At that point it was just par for the course. Of course he doesn’t care. No one does. No one liked me best. Everyone had someone more important than me in their life, why on Earth would my husband be any different. The dog was rated higher on his emotional radar than I was and I am pretty sure she was number three.

Then it happened. The words that began to change my life. They came from 23andme. Seriously. One sentence that they have probably tacked onto thousands of reports.

You have the musculature of an elite power athlete.

Say whhhaatt? Excuse me. At 5’3” and 240 pounds all of my thoughts were either you must be mistaken or you have mixed up my test with someone else.

There is no way. Absolutely no way my sad and tubby self was any kind of athlete. Especially not a power athlete. Really? Me? Well, let’s find out.

I started working out, walking, enjoying shoveling miles of snow because it was excesise and making me more powerful. Then I started seeing more and more uplifting and powerful words.

I then stumbled across another juicy nugget. If you are depressed, angry, unwilling to change then your body, on a cellular level replicates that. In your cells. If you’re positive, grateful- your body replicates that.

I began to seek gratitude. I looked all day for reasons to be grateful. I showered. Every day. Watching the bad flow off me and down the drain. Before bed, every night, I was grateful.

I would say, aloud, “Thank you for making today the best day that today could have been.” It was over. I couldn’t change it. That is all the day could have been. After years of not being able to sleep. Not being able to quiet my brain. I was sleeping soundly and peacefully. My brain was still alight, still on fire but it wasn’t stressful. It was just thoughtful.

It’s been four years. I wouldn’t go back and change anything in my life, ever. I wouldn’t be where I am. I wouldn’t be who I am. I wouldn’t have raised an amazing human. I wouldn’t be the best me I have ever been. I wouldn’t have woken up at 40.

I genuinely don’t care what others think or how they feel about me. I wake up everyday and I am the kindest and best me I can be. I am alone but far from lonely and loving every minute. I sleep, peacefully, even after 4 years. There is even new icing on the cake.

I like me best.