Us Against the World

September 1st, 2021

My therapist said I should start journaling my thoughts. I don’t really think this will help, but I’m not the professional here so what do I know? I guess you and I are in this together then, little guy. Hope you know how to keep a secret.

September 3rd, 2021

I forgot to update yesterday. Nothing much happened.

September 6th, 2021

I need to go to school soon, but I’m fucking exhausted. I’m putting off getting ready by writing this down. It’s so early you can’t even see the sun yet. I need to get to the bus. God, I hate the bus.

September 7th, 2021

I almost missed the bus today. I can’t be late to work again, they’ll put me out on my ass. I can’t help it though, I’m just so tired. I’m always tired now.

September 10th, 2021

I think I’m starting to get the hang of this. My life isn’t really interesting so there’s not much to write about, but at least I’m writing.

September 17th, 2021

I hate this job, this dead end, godforsaken job. I hate this life. This tedium. Day in and day out the same old thing. I wish something exciting would happen, something new. I wish I could go somewhere else, be someone else, just for a little while. I’m tired of everything.

September 20th, 2021

I found something by the bus stop today. A briefcase. Mostly it had clothes, but underneath was an envelope. Inside, twenty grand, all in hundred dollar bills. I’ll give it to the police or something later today, when I wake back up. It’s almost two in the morning and I’m tired.

September 22nd, 2021

What I can’t understand is why someone would go to the effort of taking out twenty grand from the bank, all in hundred dollar bills, stuff it inside of an envelope, bury that in clothes, put everything inside of a briefcase, then just lose the briefcase. At a bus stop in one of the worst places in the city. Why? How rich, how careless can you be?

I need to remember to take the briefcase with me tomorrow. Whatever business the owner was involved in, I don’t want to know.

September 25th, 2021

I’ve been laid off. They said they’re downsizing, that in light of recent financial losses they can’t afford to keep on their entire staff and in spite of my many years of dedicated and loyal service, they have no choice but to fire me. I worked my ass off every day, never complained about picking up extra shifts or working overtime, and I get this? What a load of bullshit. I know what this is really about. The boss can’t afford his coke addiction anymore.

I needed that job. I need that job. Therapy isn’t cheap. Education isn’t cheap. Fuck, living isn’t cheap. Where am I supposed to find another job? Where am I going to get the money to last me until I find another job? Fuck.

September 27th, 2021

I’m not a bad person. I like to think that I’d make the right decision in a tough situation. But twenty grand is a lot of money. Twenty grand would last me a long time. Twenty grand would be enough to pay rent, food, everything for long enough to find another job. Just until I can find another job. Whoever that briefcase belongs to, they’ve already been without it for at least a week now. If it takes just a little longer to get back to them, they won’t mind, will they? Just a couple extra weeks, then I’ll return everything and pay back the money I borrowed.

October 3rd, 2021

I can’t stop thinking about the briefcase. Every single day, the first thing on my mind the moment I wake up is that damn briefcase. I’m terrified that somehow I’m going to lose it or someone’s going to steal it. I can hardly breathe when I leave my apartment. For now, I’ve shoved it underneath my bed and hidden it behind a pile of clothes.

I need to move out of this place, out of this whole goddamn neighborhood. It’s always been bad, but before I didn’t care. I just needed somewhere cheap. Somewhere with a bed and a bathroom and a roof over my head. But now I have something I can’t afford to lose.

I’m still looking for a job. I don’t have a degree, or a car, and I’m a full-time student, but I’m still looking. Maybe I should move closer to my new job, somewhere in a better neighborhood. I wouldn’t have to take a bus anymore.

October 8th, 2021

I didn’t go to class today. I couldn’t bring myself to leave the apartment. I need to move out, it’s not safe here anymore. Not for me, and especially not for the briefcase.

October 28th, 2021

I got a new apartment! It’s in a great neighborhood and I have a job interview for a nice place nearby. School’s going better than ever now that I have more time on my hands. I don’t have to worry about where my next meal’s coming from or how I’m going to find time to study on top of an extra night shift. Life is the best it’s ever been for me.

Maybe finding that briefcase was fate. Maybe I was meant to find it, and I was meant to use that twenty grand to lift myself above where I was. Maybe someone finally granted my wish. All I needed was a little help to get started. Life’s starting to look up. Here I come, world, here I come.

November 1st, 2021

I didn’t get the job. I thought I interviewed well, and maybe my resume wasn’t the best but I have to build it somehow, right? God, it was such a good job though. Great pay, flexible hours, right next to my new apartment. I was so close.

November 3rd, 2021

My therapist says that she’s worried for me. She keeps asking me about my job, about my home, about where I’m getting the money from. What does that matter? I’m happier than I’ve ever been. I’ve got a new apartment, I’m getting a new job, I’m flying through all my classes, I’m on top of the world right now. She doesn’t understand how I’m feeling. She doesn’t understand that everything I was going through before this, all that pain and all that despair, it’s gone now. It’s healed, it’s been healed by twenty freaking grand.

Of course she doesn’t understand. She just wants to bring me down. She can’t bear the thought that I’m getting better through no help of hers. What did she ever do for me? What, cost me more money than I could afford, telling me everything I’ve already heard all my life? That I should just take my expensive, useless pills and shut up?

She did give me one good thing, I guess. She gave me you, my own little confidante. I’ve told you things I’d never tell anyone else, especially not her. No, it’s just you and me, my friend, a little black book and a person who could change the world if just given the chance. And guess what? I’ve gotten my chance.

November 12th, 2021

I’m tired of being rejected. Every application, every email, every interview, the same damn thing. Rejected. Is it really so much to ask that they at least consider me? Give me a chance to show them what I could do? It’s almost like they can just tell that I’m unworthy.

November 13th, 2021

It’s not like I went out and bought a luxury car or something. I didn’t splurge it all on some stupid, frivolous expense. I’m using that twenty grand to better myself. To better my life, to better the world really. I need this twenty grand, I can’t just give it up. Why should I? What would they use it for, really? A new purse, maybe a nice watch? No, better with me, with someone who will actually do some good with it.

November 14th, 2021

I don’t know how I missed it. I was looking every day. I spent hours upon hours trying to find something, anything about the missing briefcase. I swear it was to the point where if I hadn’t found it, it was never going to be found.

Why am I just seeing this now? Someone looking for a missing briefcase, filled with clothes and a large sum of cash. How did I not find this before?

November 14th, 2021

It’s weird though, isn’t it? Twenty grand, all in hundreds? Carried around the city like pocket change, then lost just as easily? It’s weird.

November 14th, 2021

They’re lying, they have to be. I messaged them, I asked them what the briefcase looked like. They don’t remember. I asked them what clothes were inside, they said they don’t remember. I asked how much money was inside and they didn’t reply but I’m sure they don’t remember that either. How do you not remember everything about how you lost twenty grand? How do you not remember the briefcase, and the clothes, and the money? How do you lose it in the first place?

November 14th, 2021

They posted on the same day I found the briefcase.

November 14th, 2021

Do they know where I am?

November 15th, 2021

Was I wrong to use the money? To keep it from them? No, this life I’ve lived the past month has shown me what I’ve been missing. I deserve that. I deserve to be happy. And if I need the money to be happy, don’t I deserve that too?

Maybe I should talk to my therapist again.

November 21st, 2021

She doesn’t understand, why can’t she just understand? She said I was paranoid, that I need to start taking my medication again. What does she know? Why should I trust her? She’s just jealous. Jealous of my success and how far I’ve made it without her. I don’t need her.

I told her I needed to leave, that she should come with me, and she threatened to call the police. For my own good. What does she know about what’s good for me?

November 30th, 2021

They know. They know where I live, they know I have the briefcase, they know. I was going to see her again, try to convince her, and someone followed me home. How did they find me so quickly?

Twenty grand isn’t worth dying over. Why haven’t they asked for it yet? Is this some sort of punishment? For what? Trying to live a better life? For using what fell into my lap? I wish she just understood what danger she’s in. If they followed me, then they know where she is too. How did they find me? She wouldn’t betray like that, would she?

December 1st, 2021

Nobody else can ever know about this. Nobody. This briefcase, and this twenty grand, I need to make sure we’re the only two to know. After all, the only way three can keep a secret is if two of them are dead. But you can keep a secret, can’t you?